Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

It's funny that there are really only 2 things I can think of when I read this question because both of them happened when I was a kid.  I've changed SO much and wouldn't do either of these things now...but I did them then and it still bothers me.  Maybe it's because it is so uncharacteristic of me now that I can hardly believe I did them then.  Or maybe it's because my memory has made both events seem so much more of a big deal after years of carrying the guilt I  feel for them around with me.

Wow - that makes it seem like I did something REALLY awful, doesn't it?

They aren't that bad...really.  The problem is that both of the people who I wronged in the situations have passed away - so I can't apologize and laugh about it while they tell me it was no big deal and give me a hug and kiss.

The first one was probably when I was younger than 10...I'm not exactly sure how old I was...but I know that I wasn't older than 10.  I was mad at my Great-Grandmother for something.  Probably something that she told me I couldn't do or couldn't have or needed to do that I didn't want to do.  So, I called her a bitch!  Can you believe it?!?  To top it off, my sister told her what I said and then I lied about it and told her I didn't say it.    I remember that she had a "hurt" look on her face but didn't say anything.  I know that we had a lot of happy times after that before she passed away and lots of hugs and kisses...but for some reason I kept thinking about how I called her a bad name and then lied about it.  I kept thinking about that hurt look on her face.  I've got to forgive myself for that one.

The other time was when I was a little bit older.  I think I was about 15.  I had a Great-Uncle who owned a produce store.  I worked there in the summers.  He was always wonderful to me.  He gave me anything I wanted that he had to give.  He was an amazingly kind and wonderful guy.  However, he always smelled like produce.  It was a strange smell that I almost wish I could smell again but haven't smelled since the last time I saw him - which was when this happened.

My dad had scored us some Penguin tickets and he and I were going to the game together.  I was super excited for so many reasons.  I was going somewhere with just my dad.  I was going to my very first hockey game and I was wearing new clothes I bought just for the game.  My Uncle had stopped by to drop something off and say hello before we left for the game.  I didn't give him a hug and a kiss because I didn't want to smell like produce at the hockey game.  I think he knew.  He passed away in his sleep 2 days later.  I didn't get a chance to give him another hug or kiss.  I also didn't get to go to the hockey game that night because my dad got a call that the tickets he bought were actually fakes!  Ugh.

Okay - so there you have it.  I actually feel a little bit better having admitted both of those to all of the internet.

I learned from both of those events and I know that the fact that I've felt so bad about them for all these years has made me more aware of the things I do.  I don't lie anymore and I show people how much I love them as often as I can!