Perfecting Imperfection

Dear Blog,

It's been a while. I've thought about coming to visit you and vent about one thing or another, but alas I have been busy. Busy and tired...tired and busy...and tired. It seems like every time I sit down to actually catch up with you I end up having to either change a diaper, make a bottle, feed a screaming baby the bottle I made, fill a sippy cup, make grilled cheese, pbj or chicken nuggets, break up a fight, find a missing toy, fix a broken toy, change the channel on the tv or wipe a snotty nose. Those seem to be the things I do all day long while trying to also keep the kitchen picked up so we don't get burried in bottles, sippy cups and/or plates, etc. and trying to do a load or two of laundry so that mountain doesn't get too high.

Today I was noticing that I had no clothes in my drawers. Nate and Danika are also getting a little thin in the clothes department (they have so many they will not run out...but it's getting close!). Jerry commented that he needs clean underwear...which means I need to do laundry. I went downstairs to throw some in and realized that there aren't any dirty clothes down there...they are all clean...and folded...and in baskets that need carried upstairs and put away. That is my least favortie part of doing laundry - and I have (no shit) 6 baskets to put away! Granted 2 of them are towels which are easy...but grrrrr....

Also, since the last time we talked, I now have a 4 year-old.


We had an awesome bowling party.

He got some really cool gifts - and then I went to the midnight showing of New Moon with my niece. I've been paying for it ever since. I'm more tired than usual and more behind than usual...so I thought it would be the perfect time to stop everything and catch up with you. :)

I can't promise I will be able to visit again soon or that I will be visiting more often. If it were up to me, I would. I miss our chats...

Thanks for listening,
Janene

So yesterday I had a Mommy Day. It started around 2pm with a cut and color at JCPenny. I actually feel like a real human being again. My roots were getting really bad and the ends of my hair were so split and dry - I look a million times better. :)

I also got to go out for 3 hours in the evening and hang out with some mom friends. My friend Christina had decided to start a mom's group - for us to get out one night a month and talk to other moms. It was a ton of fun. I had 2 glasses of wine and relaxed and laughed and had a wonderful time.

When I came home Nate and Danika were asleep and the babies had just been fed. I got to relax a little more before bed. The night wasn't great - the boys are still having trouble sleeping in their co-sleeper and keep finding their way into our bed...which is driving me nuts for so many reasons - but I'm too tired to deal with. I'm thinking it may be time to put them in their crib. I'm dreading making 90 trips to their room each night, though. UGH.

This weekend we will be getting the babies baptized. I'm looking forward to it being over. I know that is an awful thing to say - but a lot of "things" have been going on around here and I need to focus on getting things in order before I go back to work. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and going back, but I also know that it's gonna take a bit for me to get everything together to do it. I also don't plan parties well - and I get nervous (really nervous) about having everything be perfect. My mom and mom-in-law have been doing most of the planning and getting everything together - which is wonderful and stressful at the same time. It's great that I don't have a lot to worry about - but stressful that I don't know if everything is ready.

It'll be over before I know it - and then I will have to get things together for the next event. The next 3 months are chalk full of them!

I almost posted a blog post yesterday - almost. I was so frazzled and insanely tired it would have been nothing but a string of complaints. I would have told you all about how I got NO sleep because the twins decided they wanted to party like rock stars into the wee hours of the morning...right up to the moment their brother and sister (my toddlers who actually sleep through the night!) woke up. Then I would have complained about the fact that my 3 year-old (soon to be 4 year-old) son was out of control yesterday. He cried and screamed. He threw tantrums over nothing - seriously...nothing I could do would make him calm down. After complaining about my eldest son, I would have gone into a long and boring explanation about my daughter's personal issues. Basically, she's having trouble going poop. Yes, I said poop. Come on...it's a mom blog - don't they all mention poop at some point? My daughter has had problems with this for almost a year now - and when she doesn't go for a few days she gets miserable. Yesterday was that day.

So, it was everything all at once and I was too tired to deal with it. At one point I was standing in the middle of my living room while my 3 year-old sat on the couch screaming and crying. My 2 year-old was also crying (but not screaming) and my newborn was whining because he needed changed and fed. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and counted to 10. I reminded myself that I could do this - I had to do this because no one else was here to do it anyway. I picked up the newborn and changed him. By the time I started feeding him, my toddlers had stopped crying. After I finished feeding him, I moved on to his brother and changed and fed him. In about 40 minutes I had 2 happy (and well fed) babies and 2 toddlers who were actually playing nicely together. As a bonus, Danika pooped - twice. :)

I guess that kind of proves that I can do this. Obviously, it isn't going to be easy all the time. But it'll be worth it in the end.

Last night we actually got a little sleep. It was wonderful. Even though my babies did wake up every 3 hours to eat, they slept for 3 hours at a time and I did, too. Even though my daughter was up in my room 3 or 4 times and my husband and I had to carry her back into her room and put her back to bed - she never cried. Once she even looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, "Mommy, you lay down with me in my bed. Just for a little bit." It was so sweet I had to. My little Dean actually laughed out loud in his sleep while I was holding him, too. It was perhaps the sweetest sound I've ever heard - and it made the previous day's problems melt away.

I was quite pleased with myself that I was able to really see how wonderful and beautiful my children are after such a trying night/morning/afternoon. I was happy that I did keep it together. I know I didn't have much of a choice, but I also know I could have done a lot worse than I did.

I'm sure this isn't the last time I will be closing my eyes and counting to 10. I'm sure it's not the last time I will feel overwhelmed and tired. I'm also sure that I will get by - I will survive. :) It's a great feeling to know that I'll be okay...not that I ever really thought otherwise, but it's nice to have the reassurance.

I know there is a total of about 3 people who actually read my blog, but I thought I'd throw this out there anyway. These are pictures taken by my friend, Shannon. You can look at some of her other work at www.sofabean.com/blog and if you are in the area you can have her come take beautiful pictures of your kiddos (or just about anything else)!

You can see more of the pics she took of my kids on my facebook page - here.

Two and a half weeks ago I got up early in the morning and headed down to Forbes Regional Hospital to have a scheduled c-section and meet my twin boys. Everything went as planned and Dean Arthur and David Jerome were born 1 minute apart at 10:30 and 10:31 am. Dean was the first one out and weighed a whooping 8lbs even. David was the second one (which makes him my baby baby) and weighed only 5lbs 15oz. We knew there was going to be a size difference all along - we also knew there was nothing to really be worried about with it.

After getting all "cleaned-up" in the OR, we headed down to the room. I don't remember a lot about the time immediately after they were born. I know my parents and Jerry's mom were all there and found their way down to the room shortly after we got there. I wasn't feeling all that great the first night. Jerry stayed with me, but I had to stay in bed the whole time. I was sore and couldn't feel a whole lot below my waist for a while. The next few days would be much better.

I really really enjoyed my hospital stay. I enjoyed having someone else feed me. I enjoyed having someone else watch the boys while I slept for a few hours. Most of all, though, I enjoyed getting to know my two new sons without anyone else around. I enjoyed being with them and bonding with them while my other children were having the time of their lives with their grandparents. :)

Since coming home things have gotten interesting. My hormones are all out of whack...although they seem to be getting better. My c-section incision isn't healing as fast/easily as I would like it to. I don't sleep much and I am constantly telling my 3 and 2 year-old to stay away from their brothers. Now that Jerry has gone back to work, I'm on my own during the days...and it's a little scary sometimes.

I have to hand it to my husband, though. He really really stepped up when he was off and has continued to do an awesome job helping out with the kids - especially with Nate and Danika at bedtime. I'm soo proud of him and have no doubts that we are going to be just fine.

It's funny but I already have that feeling like I don't remember what life was like before the twins got here. I already feel like they have always been part of our family. I know that it's because they are both such a perfect fit and I am so madly in love with both of them. They really have stolen my heart.

These babies will be my last babies - yes, we are sure and it is final and permanent. I won't be having any more children. It makes me kind of sad - but it also helps me to appreciate this time with my newborns even more. I don't mind the 1 am feedings as much...I don't mind changing 20 diapers a day...I don't mind the little things because once they stop it's over. When I give my 0-3 month clothes away this time I won't be needing them back...I'm okay with it. I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life...but I'm still kind of sad that I won't be making anymore new life. My job now is to make the lives I've already created happy and full of love.

So...I'm having my twins sometime in the next 9 days. I'm not ready. I know this. I don't think there is anything in the world that could happen that would prepare me for what is about to happen. I am scared - but getting so very excited, too!

Today I went for a non-stress test at the hospital. My mom took me (she took me for Swedish Fish Italian Ice at Rita's after, too!) to my OB appointment and then to the NST. Both went well - nothing new to report. While we were having the NST done, there was a newborn baby in the next room crying and crying. I felt awful that the baby was crying so desperately, but the sound did get me excited to see my little ones.

Last night, Jerry and I were watching an episode of Deliver Me and we saw 3 babies being born. I looked at them and thought, "I have 2 of those inside me right now..." It was a really bizarre thought. The one mother had twins who were actually 2 weeks behind where I am right now. So, my babies are probably bigger than hers were!

I am excited - and scared, like I said...but most of all I'm anxious to see what these 2 are going to look like and how they are going to make our family even more blessed. :)

I can't believe it's been a month since I posted a blog post...then again I'm sure that it isn't going to become a more frequent occurrence once the twins make their appearance. I had a doctor appointment yesterday - and a non-stress test. Both were fine, but to tell you the truth I'm miserable. I'm trying very hard to not be...but I am just so sore and achy and not sleeping.

I could probably make a huge checklist of all the ways that this whole pregnant with twins thing stinks...but I'm trying to stay positive and focus on all the wonderful things that are going on. That being said...here's a little checklist of some fuzzy positive things.

1) Jerry use to always get frustrated when I wanted him to put his hand on my belly and feel a baby move and I can't blame him. It seemed like every time he would the baby would stop moving. With the twins, though, he's been able to feel them moving when we are sitting on the love seat together every night. He smiles while putting his hand on my belly and I know he "gets it" now. He has felt little movements, big ones and those creepy, alien ones, too!

2) I know I am having a c-section with these little ones. If I don't go into labor on my own before I'm 38 weeks, then they will perform a scheduled c-section. It's nice to have a goal. I remember with my other pregnancies being so excited to reach my due date...and then realizing that the due date really doesn't mean the baby will be here by then. I do know, however, that the babies will be here (hopefully by September 5th) and that makes all the crap kind of worth it.

3) I also know that this will be the last time I'm pregnant. I can't imagine having 4 kids (but I will) and we have decided not to push our luck any more than we already have! I mean, twins (or more) are a lot more common after you have already had them...so we are done. That being said, I'm trying to enjoy this last month of being pregnant - spending some quiet time alone with my babies in my belly and just taking extra note of what it is like to be alone...but not alone. :)

4) Not everyone gets to have twins. A lot of people romanticize about having them - a lot of people secretly hope for them. I can honestly say the thought never crossed my mind. I wasn't one of those people. I NEVER thought it would happen to us. I NEVER dreamed about it or really really wanted it. It's not that I don't want to have twins...it's just that I know it's going to be a lot of hard work. It's going to be a lot of long nights. It's not something that I ever really thought possible, so I didn't wish for it. It's not something you can really control. Nate and Danika are close in age (and they won't be that much older than the twins!) and they play together - and fight - and I know they don't really know what to do when the other one isn't around. I know the twins will be the same way...I'm excited that they will all have each other to lean on...annoy...and support through all the things that they are going to go through.

5) I'm going to meet my babies soon. It's an amazing thing when you have one baby growing in your belly and then you finally get to meet him/her. I get to meet 2 new babies...and they are mine! I'll get to fuss over how they are different and learn each of their little personalities. I get twice the snuggles and twice the cuddles. :)

All in all, I know how lucky and blessed I am. I know that this is the hardest part I've faced up to this point. I also know that this isn't going to last forever and that I'm going to fall head over heels in love when these babies get here...then all of the aches and pains will be just a memory.

So - my To-Do list is just getting bigger. I want to get so much done before the twins get here. (I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow!) However, I can't do anything by myself! I can't carry laundry up or down the steps. I can't get on my hands and knees and scrub floors. I can't paint. I can't be on my feet for too long without starting to feel pain. It sucks! Nesting was so much easier when I was only carrying 1 baby. :)

I am starting to get a little more excited and nervous about the reality that we are going to be bringing 2 babies home from the hospital. It was fun to tell everyone we were having twins. It has been a lot of fun watching people's reaction when I tell them I'm due late August/early September...then tell them I'm having twins - I'm HUGE and they just can't believe I'm not due next week! I know it will be fun having visitors dote over the new little ones. I know that there will be a lot of people who want to come visit - help - hold my babies. The reality of it is, though, that at bed time DH and I are going to have to try to swing it on our own. 4 little ones - 2 at midnight feedings...(and probably 9pm and 3am, too!)...I'm fully expecting it to be exhausting for a while. I'm hoping to get a routine in place early. I know that I should start right now with the 2 I have now...and I am trying - but it's so hard in the summer because so much goes on...fireworks, vacations, day trips, staying out late at friends/family. I'm hoping it will all fall into place...but who knows.

I'm also nervous about work - I don't have anything really prepared for a sub...whoever she may be! Plus, Nate starts school this fall. Talk about timing - his first day is Sept. 8th...I'll be 38 weeks (which is when they'll induce me) on Sept. 9th!!! I'm hoping to go a little bit earlier than that - but I know I don't have much say in the matter.

Then there is the to have a c-section or try for a vaginal birth question. Baby A is head down and ready to go - Baby B is breech. So...my options, as given to me by the last OB I saw, are that I can deliver Baby A vaginally and then they can see if Baby B will flip...or they can try flipping him. If he does flip I can deliver him vaginally, too. If he doesn't then I'll have to have a c-section to deliver Baby B. She also said that I could request a c-section because Baby B is breech. She said that we would talk more about it if Baby B stayed breech. Which it is looking like he is going to stay that way. So - there is that whole thing to think about.

With all that - it's no wonder I can't fall asleep at night! Kicking babies aren't helping either! :)

Yesterday was not a great day - it was hot...which really sucked. It was also one of those days where I really really wanted to take a nap. My daughter had completely different plans - so, I didn't get my nap. I was frustrated and agitated with two cranky kids to entertain. So, I decided we would move Danika's bed into Nate's room...just because I needed to do SOMETHING productive.

So, we moved some furniture in and out of Nate's room...I put together Danika's brand new (not really brand new - it's a hand me down from a friend) toddler bed and set it up in Nate's room. Nate's room became Nate and Danika's room - Danika's room is a disaster, but is now closer to being a nursery for the twins than it was yesterday.

They were excited about the new set-up...I was a little nervous. The crib was still set up in case we needed a few hours of sleep and Danika wasn't diggin' the new bed. They did great, though!

Danika did scream her head off for about 10 minutes...it was a tough 10 minutes of me just putting her back into bed and her getting right back out...and me putting her back in...etc. But for some reason after about 10 minutes she just stopped! I don't know why or what did it, but I'm not going to question it. :)

So, after they were both in their beds and not crying it took a little over an hour for them to fall asleep. They talked to each other a little bit...tried to make each other laugh a lot...and finally both fell asleep. During that time I sat in an extremely uncomfortable chair right outside their door reading my book club book, "One Fifth Avenue" by Candace Bushnell. I've been doing this for the past few days with Nate anyway. He use to only fall asleep with the TV on - now he falls asleep without the TV, but I have to sit where he can see me. I'll take it for now - hopefully he'll be able to fall asleep without me there by the time the twins get here. Hopefully, they both will.

I am happy with how things went last night, though. Nate woke up once and Danika woke up once. Danika around 11:30 and Nate around 4:00 am - Jerry put both of them back into their bed and they both fell back asleep. Danika slept until 7 and Nate until 8 this morning. :)

I really needed last night to be a success. I was starting to feel like a failure mom yesterday. I had lost all my patience, was tired, and really had no motivation to deal with my kids. So, yesterday's little "win" left me feeling like I can do this. There will be days where we simply get through the day...then their will be other days/moments where we are doing great! I couldn't stop giving my little ones extra hugs and kisses this morning for making me feel like a better mom than I felt like during the day. :) Thanks kiddos!

The past 2 or 3 days I've been feeling pretty good. I attribute it to a couple different things, but mainly because I've been sleeping better - which, of course, leads to me getting more sleep and being awake and less tired. Anyway - I've been able to do a little housework while feeling better. While I discourage you from doing this...if you wanted to...although I don't know why you would...but you could eat off of almost any surface in my bathroom because it's so clean! :)

I have one problem though - okay, I take that back...I have 2 problems. 1) I don't know what to do with the clothes my kids have outgrown that I just can't bring myself to part with because we really haven't found out what the twins are yet. Part of me says that I should get rid of it all and just get more as I need it because I have SO much stuff. Another part of me thinks that is so stupid...why would I get rid of stuff I have that I will need? 2) My children enjoy destroying anything I clean...for example, I put all the toys in the toy box and they take them out. I put all the winter clothes to store in a box and they throw the clothes around the room - in the 3 minutes it takes me to go downstairs and get a drink and a garbage bag an hour of work is undone.

Other than those 2 issues things are good - and other than the bathroom you can't tell I've cleaned a damn thing. Grr...

I have this wonderful friend who I love dearly who is taking the news that we are having twins similar to the way you would take news that someone has 6 months to live. She is a mother and has a beautiful little boy and an adorable little girl. Her son came first - then her daughter. I started having my children later than she did . . . but caught up really quick. We had talked time and time again about Jerry going to get "snipped" like her DH did. I had pretty much come to accept that we were going to have 2 kids. I was okay with it. I was actually getting use to the idea and I could tell you without hesitation why it was going to be best if we stopped at 2. We (my friend and I) were in total agreement and laughed at those who had more than 2 kids...they clearly didn't know what they were in for when the kids grew up. We were the smart ones - we weren't going to get caught dead in that situation.

Fast forward to now - yeah...as you can imagine we aren't on the same page anymore. I am truly excited about the twins. I have a completely different feeling about it now. Not that all of the reasons I only wanted 2 aren't valid and still true. It's not going to be easy paying to raise 4 children. We aren't going to get to go on the big family vacations - unless we win the lottery or one of us gets a kick ass job. I know that things are going to be rough. We are going to need a lot of help - especially in the beginning. We are going to stress out. We are going to worry. But we are also going to laugh and have wonderful memories. I'm hoping that I can raise 4 wonderful children who will go on to raise their own children and so on and so on. We aren't going to have everything we want...but we will have fun.

Anyway - my friend is still stuck on her 2 is best kick. She hasn't said so - but I know that it's in her head. Now I'm one of the crazies with more than 2 kids...even though they aren't born yet. When I told her twins she told me she was SORRY!!! I'm trying to keep in mind that I am the one that changed - but I'm not sure how to tell her I'm happy about this. I know it will come to it sooner or later. I just don't want her to be upset. Eh - I worry too much. I'm sure it will be fine.

Well ~ we went for our ultrasound yesterday. We didn't have one earlier because my ob said that, unless we were concerned or there were any problems, there was no real need for us to go and have an early one. So, we waited and decided that we would just go at 18 weeks...so that there was a chance we could tell what we were having this time.

We found out alright - we are having TWINS!!!

We were shocked to say the very least. I've been trying desperately to stay calm and not think about what having 4 children (all under the age of 4 when the twins arrive) means. Don't get me wrong - I know this is a blessing. I am excited. I'm also already tired. I also know that I'm probably never going to sleep again. I know that I'm going to have to get my act together and get my house in some kind of shape. I'm going to have to get some kind of schedule going so that I can get everything done that I need to do - and I'm going to have to really stick to the schedule.

The problem right now is that I'm exhausted - seriously exhausted. Plus, there is the whole work issue. I make about 600 a month at my 2 day a week job. Not bad - it's enough to help with groceries and such...it's been making life a lot more comfortable. :) Plus, it gets me out of the house and I do enjoy it. I just can't fathom how on earth I'm going to get my butt out of bed, dressed and get 4 children ready to go anywhere before 9 am for the first 6 months. There are also so many variables - what if one of the babies is sick? What if I have a c-section and need to heal longer than I thought? What if I just can't get it together? It's not that I don't want to go back to work...it's not that I want to stay home with my kids...it's just that I'm nervous it's going to be too much.

So there is that to worry about. Then there is the issue of room. I was already stressing out because we live in a 3 bedroom house and there was going to be 5 of us. Now there are going to be 6! It kind of makes the whole thing a little easier for now...but it also makes it obvious that we will be moving in the future. I figure that the babies are going to have to share a room and we are just going to have to stick Nate and Danika together for a while. We are going to be so outnumbered.

Okay - I'm going to try to get Danika to fall back asleep...and maybe get some sleep myself. If I can stop worrying for long enough. :)

Okay - so I actually didn't fall for any April Fools jokes today. However, I was kind of struck by how text messaging has made the art of fooling someone on April Fools Day sort of unimportant. Now anyone can send you a text and get you good - or if you are like me...at least make you think about it.

Case in point, my brother-in-law sends me a text today, "Lorrie called...looks like we are going to need that crib back..." Hmm...now, my sister-in-law physically could be pregnant. It's unlikely, though. I didn't hear him say these words so I can't tell you if he sounded like he was telling the truth or not...that makes this way too easy for him. I am then faced with the decision - A) Do I bite and then have him think that I am gullible just to avoid possibly offending him if he is in fact expecting another child? B) Do I call his bluff right away and then apologize like crazy if my gut instinct is correct? C) Do I make a joke back to him and, if it is an April Fools Day prank, have him trying to decide if I got it or not? It was a tough decision. However, I have a really hard time with my brother-in-law being 1 up on me...so I kind of called his bluff. I sent back, "Did you tell Jerry (my DH) yet? I'll let him decide if we should fall for this one or not. :)" He responded with, "Jerry fell for it hard - kinda figured you wouldn't."

Now, I have no problems with April Fools Day pranks. My friend in High School, Marci, once called me to tell me that her parents told her she had to move far away. I don't remember where but I do remember her calling me on the phone and telling me. She actually pretended she was too upset to talk and was "crying" on the phone. Her acting made me believe every word and I was more upset because she was moving than I was when that guy I dated Freshman year dumped me for a skank and then, after we got back together for a few months, dumped me for a taller skank with horrible teeth. When she called to tell me it was an April Fools Day prank I could have killed her...but I'll tell you what, she had talent. :)

This could be the beginning of a very long rant about how technology has totally screwed with the way things should be - but it would be a hypocritical one. There are sooo many things I love about technology. I love texting. I love that I can check on my kids while I'm working and no one will notice. I love that I can remind my husband he needs to pick something up on his way home before I forget yet without interrupting his day. I love the Internet. I love that any question I could possibly have I can find out the answer to...I also love that I can keep in touch with people so much easier and more often. So, you see I do love technology...but there are so many concerns I have about kids who don't know what it's like to not have some of these things. My number 1 pet peeve - text language. I hate the abbreviations...the missing words...the whole disregard for grammar. I hate it for a lot of reasons and I have to wonder if it's having an impact on student work in High Schools. I read an article, though - in some woman's magazine - about how a mother didn't understand the language and lingo of her teenage daughter. The daughter would look at her with those eyes of embarrassment when she would use words like "cool" or "dope" (I can honestly say I've never used the word dope in my life). This meant that her irritation with the whole texting thing was a product of her being old. (At least that's the message I got from the article.) Monday, I will turn 32...when I was 10 years old, 32 was really old. So...maybe that's it. Maybe I'm old. I still think that April Fools pranks over text message are kind of lame. hehehe

So today we went to Chuck E. Cheese for my husband's cousin's son's 5th birthday party. The kids had a blast! Seriously, it was so much fun - but exhausting...and crowded. I joked with my SIL that if we ever have a CEC birthday party it is going to be at like 5pm on a Tuesday afternoon so no one else is there.

The thing that kills me is that it was a BEAUTIFUL day outside. If we weren't already signed up for this party we would have been playing outside for sure...so what on earth were all of these people doing there that weren't at some party? Take your kids outside! Let them run around and play in the fresh air! It doesn't cost anything - is a lot less crowded and noisy...and will tire them out 1000 times faster. Oh, and you can take a blanket, chair or what have you and plop your butt somewhere and watch...that is if you don't feel like chasing them around or playing with them.

This was NOT the case at CEC. There wasn't an empty seat to be had in the whole freakin' place. Not that my kids would have let me sit for an extended period of time. There was the 3 minutes that Nate was playing air hockey with Porter that I was able to plop my butt down at some table where people had left all their stuff...I figured if they came back they'd understand...and if not I would be standing up in the next 2 minutes anyway.

So - here's some pictures. They really did have a great time and it was well worth it. I just wish there were about 100 less people there. :)

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So, we tried to fly kites on Sunday. It was chilly and the sun kept peeking in and out from behind the clouds. It was an okay day to be outside with a jacket on. We thought for sure that it would be a good day to fly a kite - but alas, we had no wind! Much to the dismay of my 3 year-old son, we couldn't get the kites up in the air.

Yesterday was the exact opposite. It was sunny and warm. Almost short weather - DH did have shorts on, but the rest of us stuck to long pants and short sleeves. The kite flew, though...and my son was thrilled. :)

Here are some pics - which will be the last ones I ever take with my Samsung camera because as I was putting the kids in the car yesterday I sat on the camera (which, yes, I had in my back pocket because the maternity pants I have don't have front pockets) and cracked the screen. I cried and DH went and bought me a new camera and then told me I was spoiled. Which is true. My new camera came from Radio Shack...it doesn't have the bells and whistles that my Samsung did - but I found that I didn't really use those bells and whistles anyway. :)

Okay...gotta get to work. :( I really want to sleep...maybe a nap this afternoon!

Is that a cool kite or what!?



Nate and Daddy flying kite.





Nate finally doing it himself!

Did you ever just have one of those weeks where you kind of just wish everyone else in the world would disappear and leave you alone? I'm having one of those weeks and I tell ya - everyone is still here and still annoying the crap out of me. I'm sure that part of it is pregnancy hormones. Heck, maybe all of it is pregnancy hormones. Who knows - but my poor DH is taking the worst of it and I don't even feel that bad...okay, I feel a little bit bad...but not a lot.

It seems like everything he does annoys me - when he's just sitting there doing nothing (like now) I feel like he's always doing nothing. When he's trying to help he inevitably messes something up or does something differently from how I would do it and I end up having to do it anyway. When he's with the kids I end up having to finish whatever he started or make good on his promises of snacks/drinks or whatever..."Mommy will go get it. Tell Mommy." (Don't get me wrong - I know I've probably done that to him enough - but I'm annoyed and it's on my list of reasons why.)

So, he asks me today what our problem is. We haven't been talking much, we haven't cuddled, we haven't laughed, we haven't had sex, we haven't been ourselves. I'd like to say it's been a few days, but it's been more like a little over a week. I don't have an answer, though. I know that it isn't as easy as saying you did this and I didn't like it. I also know that it isn't something that he is just going to be able to fix or that I am just going to be able to get over. Most of all, I know it's mostly due to this pregnancy - and my emotions being all out of whack. I'm tense - tired - stressed and feel spread a little thin these days.

I'm not overly concerned that we won't get through this - in fact, I'm not at all concerned that we won't get through this. I'm just hoping that the end is near because I really miss my husband and I don't like not being able to be in the same room as him without rolling my eyes and huffing a lot.

DH use to joke that we were going to have naked Wednesdays at our house once we got married. Anyone who stopped by on a Wednesday needed to be prepared. Of course naked Wednesdays never really took place - but it was a running joke for quite a while among our friends.

Fast forward 4 years - we now have TONS of naked time at our house. Of course it isn't DH and I running around naked...it's our children. Especially our son...I just can't get him to keep his clothes on. A lot of it has to do with the fact that he is fairly newly potty trained. He does a great job all day long with his "big boy" underwear on. At night, he's still in a pull-up. I'm cool with that for now. However, every time he goes potty he feels the need to take all of his clothes off - and he then gives me a terrible time when I try to get him to put them back on. He's even gone so far as to help his sister get naked, too. So they both run around he house laughing and squealing, "We're Maked!!!" This continues until I lose it...and someone inevitably cries.

I hate that. I want them to laugh and squeal and have fun. I mean really, what's the big deal if they are running around naked at 2 and 3 years old? I guess I have this fear that they are going to think they can just do this anywhere - like preschool when Nate heads there this summer.

Well - I just bargained with Nate that I would let him see some funny videos on my laptop if he put his big boy underwear on - it's time to pay up because he did. Yay! No tears this time! Maybe bribery is the way to go on everything?

So - we have been hit with the "bugs" that are going around. Somehow we me managed to get them in back to back weeks. 2 weeks ago (on Wednesday) my children started throwing up - it was around 11 pm. and it continued until about 6 am. DH and I both called off work Thursday because we were exhausted from running a child to the bathroom to puke every half hour. We spent all day Thursday sleeping and I'm not entirely convinced that any of us are back on schedule. I had the stomach thing Tuesday - I didn't really throw up because I wouldn't eat anything. Long story short, I spent most of my time curled up on my bed praying that I would puke so I could feel better - something that previously only happened after too much fun the night before.

So, the next day (Wednesday - one week from when the puking first appeared) we decided to clean. I mean really clean the house. That's when the coughing and hacking and sniffling arrived. Not for me or DH, but for both kids. Danika was the worst and she's still not 100%. She looks so pathetic - but I don't think the doctor would give her anything any way...so I'm not going to spend the $25 copay unless she shows signs of something other than a head cold.

My #1 problem right now (the one I should be dealing with instead of blogging) is that I told my husband that, "Yes, lets move the computer upstairs" the Wednesday the kids got their head colds. This wouldn't have been a problem, but we never finished because Danika was in a "mommy sit and hold me I don't feel good mood". So...now my house is a total and complete wreck. I have no space for stuff and no idea where I'm putting anything. Plus, DH is at work and I can't move anything by myself. Argh - frustrating. I'm hoping this weekend we get it all straightened out because I CAN'T live like this.

I love the museum. My husband and I have fond memories of strolling through the museum looking at all of the beautiful, amazing and awe-inspiring objects - whether it be art or some giant prehistoric creature or a stuffed bear, giraffe or monkey of some sort. For some odd reason the museum actually is (or I should say was) a sort of aphrodisiac for my husband. We loved the museum...so yesterday, we decided our children would love the museum as much as we do and we should take them! Umm...I should mention we decided to take our 3 and 2-year-old to the Art and Natural History Museum - not the Children's museum or the Science Center where there are interactive things for them to do - buttons for them to push, things for them to crawl on. NO - we took them to the "Please do not touch" museum. Hmm...yeah - that was a great idea.

So, the line I've been getting most these days is, "You know, they figured out what causes that..." Really? They figured out what causes pregnancy? No way! Shut the *bleep* up already!!! (Yeah, I don't really swear a whole lot - but these days I feel the itch to let people know I'm serious!)

We had friends over the other day - friends who I love dearly - and even their "well - meaning" remarks made me cry when I rehashed them later that night. It was little comments made when things were kind of stressful with my current kiddos - my kids are 3 and 2...they are learning...they will be better when new baby gets here...I'm sure of it. But in the middle of an all out screaming fit by my son while my daughter is smearing icing all over her face my dear friend looks at me and smiles and says, "Wow, dear, you are really gonna have your hands full!" chuckle chuckle. Really? Having 3 kids ages 4 to newborn is going to be kind of difficult at time? No way! Shut the *bleep* up already!!! (Which of course I didn't say...but really wanted to.)

Then there is the "Better you than me", "Congratulations, I guess.", "You're crazy.", "Did you WANT 3?", "You know they only make 2 kinds and you already have one of each - hope you weren't expecting something different." Really? No way! Shut the *bleep* up already!

I'm sure that both of my other pregnancies were filled with this same wave of panic in the beginning. I'm sure that I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into. I'm sure that I was a little bit sad to end a chapter of my life and nervous about what new changes the new one was going to bring. It's the same right now...with this pregnancy...and I have such a long wait ahead of me to find out the answers.

Part of me is really sad that we are going from 4 to 5 - because 4 is such and even number...and 2 guys and 2 gals is so "balanced" (you can thank my DH for that comment). We are now going to be outnumbered. Someone will always be without a partner on the roller coaster.

Then again, I could be doing all this worry for nothing. I worried about how Danika would change our family dynamics because I wanted to make sure that I gave Nate enough attention when the new baby got here. I was worried he wouldn't feel loved or something. I was also worried that I couldn't love a new baby as much as I loved Nate. They were both silly...and Nate LOVES having a sister and I LOVE both of my kid equally but in unique ways and for unique reasons.

I'm just a little panicked about doing it all over again. I'm more than a little panicked. I'm really panicked. We aren't all going to be able to fit in one car...unless I move Nate to a booster seat - which isn't as safe and makes me nervous. So...we are going to at the very least think about getting a new car. Our house has 3 bedrooms. I know that each child doesn't have to have their own bedroom...but the bedrooms are small. The closets are small. The whole damn house is small. So we are also thinking about a new house, too. Then there is my job. I haven't told them yet. I haven't really had the chance to and I think I may wait a little while...like until after my first doctor's visit. I'm not very good at waiting, though. I'll probably spill the beans tomorrow. I'm that bad - I never waited to tell anyone when I was pregnant.

All that being said - I still have moments when I get excited about all of the things coming up. I am excited about having another baby...I should probably put all of the other stuff into God's hands and trust he'll take care of it, but I'm a control freak...always have been...always will be.

I guess the best I can do right now is enjoy the ride - it is probably the last time I'll be taking it and I will probably remember this one the best...because I kind of know what to expect and I'm not as worried or scared about the same things I was when I was pregnant with Nate. I remember Danika's birth a lot better than I do Nate's...so I'm sure I'll remember this one the best. ;)

Well, I'm gonna go eat something - seems like that's all I want to do these days.

here comes baby #3! :0) I'm nervous...I'm scared to death about how we are going to afford 3 kids...where we are going to put 3 kids...how I'm going to ever get any sleep ever again. But I'm also excited. I'm so excited that I'll get to go to another ultrasound and get to see the little baby growing inside of me. I can't wait to feel the kicks and movements. I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl. I can't wait to see the new baby for the first time...and come up with the perfect name...and introduce him or her to big brother and sister.

So ~ I'm betting my blog is going to get a lot more interesting. :) Stay tuned. :)

Yeah - it's only a couple of days and probably nothing to really worry about at all...but I'm late. I'm not usually late and every time I am late I tend to overreact and get all worked up and only make things worse. I remember one time I actually skipped a month and I went to the doctors because every test I took came back negative...but it just never came. (He told me it was because I was taking the pill then and sometimes you can spot and that will be it - but I don't even remember doing that...oh well.)

I am not on the pill. DH and I have been VERY good about covering our tracks - if you know what I mean. There was this one time this month, though, that we kind of - sort of - well, we were a little irresponsible. So maybe that's on my mind and making me be late - maybe it's a mental thing...does that happen?

As to how I feel about the possibility...I think that's why I haven't run out and bought a test yet. I don't know if I do or don't want to have another baby. I honestly thought we were done...but we talk about it every so often like we might not be...then reality smacks me in the face and I start to think that there is just no way we could have another baby. It's only financially that I worry about...but it's a big worry. How would we afford another baby? We are just getting one out of diapers! I don't worry so much about the next 8 years or so...but when they are all in High School and going to Proms, applying for college and getting added to my car insurance! I want to give my kids everything I my parents gave me. The way things are right now that would be tough.

Then there is the other side...I LOVE babies. I LOVE the excitement of wondering if it's a boy or a girl. I LOVE picking out names, getting things ready, I LOVE wondering what the baby will look like. I also LOVE having a new baby. They are so cute and soft and smell so good. It's amazing to watch them grow. Their first year is such an amazing trip! I would love to go on that journey again - and share it with the children I already have. I really think if I have 3 I will not want more. I will be at peace with that enough to say I'm really done...but then again, who knows.

I've decided that if my appointment doesn't show up by tomorrow after work I'm going to stop for a test to see if it's ever gonna show. I'm not in a big hurry because once I know I can't change it. As much as it's driving me nuts not knowing - it's kind of nice, too. So...either my appointment will show up or I'll know for sure tomorrow evening...I'll keep ya posted.

In a parallel universe somewhere, I am in the shower after a satisfying day at a job I absolutely love, getting ready to hit the town with friends and have a few too many cocktails and some stimulating adult conversation that will not involve bodily functions or talking animals. In that parallel universe, I am getting ready to dance the night away without a single thought about how early I have to wake up tomorrow because tomorrow is SATURDAY and I never wake up before 11 on a Saturday, in that parallel universe, that is. I'm also still smoking and will probably be smoking close to a pack tonight while dancing and drinking - and not worried about it, in that parallel universe, that is - because it's Friday. In a parallel universe, I will probably pass out from too much of everything tonight around 3 am - but it's no big deal, because (like I said) I'll be sleeping in tomorrow.

In reality, I'm sitting in front of my laptop (having not showered today) with no makeup on, my hair (which is in desperate need of a cut and dye) is pulled up in a bun with those wispy pieces that won't stay put flying away all over the place. I'm waiting for my husband to get home so that I can hear him say, "What did you do all day?" when he sees the state of the house - which I DID clean...but that was like 45 minutes ago and the kids have already trashed it again. So, I will probably not talk to him for at least an hour after he makes the comment. After dinner (which is in the oven already), I will let him clean the kitchen while I sit patiently as my 2 children climb all over me crying and screaming because my lap isn't big enough for both of them at once...at least not anymore. Then, I will fight with them to get them to bed. I will eventually collapse into my own bed only to not be able to fall asleep, even though I know that I will have to wake up at some insanely early hour tomorrow to start the whole process over again.

Sound fun? Of course it does! Much more fun than that parallel universe...I mean who wants to still be doing those things in their 30's? Sometimes I do - sometimes I don't...tonight, I do. I will admit that today is one of those days I miss being single and not a mother. I miss having time to myself. I miss being able to think only about myself. I miss not having to worry about anyone else. I miss having money. I miss talking to adults about things other than my kids. I miss staying out, getting drunk and sleeping in late.

Truth is, I will probably never do those things again. I can't imagine a time when I won't worry about my kids. I can't imagine being able to completely relax ever again. Okay...so I'm being a little over dramatic here, but seriously there are so many things to worry about at every age! Right now I worry about them getting hurt by doing something they didn't know they shouldn't do. Things like diving face first of the couch - which my daughter did on Tuesday night.

Once they get into school I'll have a whole new set of worries. Do they understand what they are learning? Are they smart or stupid? Do other kids like them? Do they have friends? Are other kids nice to them? Are they nice to other kids? Do they listen to the teacher? Are they respectful?

I won't even go on to the worries I'll have as they get even older - okay, maybe a few...Are they doing drugs? Are they hanging out with the right crowd? Are they making smart choices when it comes to sex? Are they wearing their seat belt? Is the driver of the car they are in a good driver? Are they a good driver?

I think that I have officially worked myself into a panic attack.

I'm going to have a glass of wine and eat a bag of Hershey Kisses.

Then when my husband gets home I can tell him I drank a glass of wine and ate a bag of Hershey Kisses today...since he is going to ask anyway.

I'm taking it as a sign that I am getting older and my tastes are maturing that I find this man incredibly sexy.
Because, to be completely honest with you, he isn't really my type. I'm more of the Orlando Bloom/Keanu Reeves/(and embarrassingly) David Cook type. I think those are the last 3 big celebrity crushes I've had in the past 4 years. My all time biggest celebrity crush - David Duchovny. It was kind of fueled again by the series Californiacation (which I can't decide if I like because it's entertaining or because Duchovny is always having sex in it) and all the stories about Duchovny going into rehab for a sex addiction and then splitting from his long time wife, Tia. So...now he's avaliable again.

All that being said - those celebrities above (Duchovny being a bit of an exception) are more of "girl" crushes. Where as Daniel Craig...I feel like it's the first celebrity crush I've had that my 14 year-old niece would go, "EW!" but he makes me feel all warm and tingly. I won't lie...it's the Bond movie that did it for me. The scenes when he's wearing his bathing suit...ahhh. The accent, the body, the eyes...yummy.

Where is all this coming from? I don't know. I was just thinking about it after seeing a picture of him this morning. For about 15 seconds I forgot that in reality I'm in my bathrobe, sitting next to my neighbor's sleeping infant, and watching my 3 year-old and her 2 year-old run laps from the livingroom to the kitchen to the dining room...it was nice...while it lasted. Back to reality.

So...notice the time? I'm not sure when I'll be finished with this and have it posted, but I'm starting it at 1:05 am...2 hrs. and 5 mins. AFTER I was suppose to be in bed. I have the perfect person to blame it on, though. My husband - he needs to come to bed so that I can fall asleep. For some reason unknown to me I haven't been able to fall asleep without him in bed for the last 2 years or so...okay, maybe more like 3...ever since Nate was born. Even when he stays out until ridiculous hours thinking he is in college again - and knowing that I'll be the one to get up with the kids in the morning anyway - I can't sleep. Last time it was when I needed to take his Aunt Dee Dee to the airport. I needed to leave the house at 4:45 am to be at his grandmother's for 5:00 am and the airport for 6:00 am. The whole reason that I was taking her instead of him was because he was going drinking with a buddy and would probably be too drunk to drive that early in the morning - the effects of the night before not having worn off yet...little did I know it wasn't the effect of the night before because the night before turned into the morning of and he didn't get home until 3:30 am!

So that this doesn't sound like I'm totally bashing my husband - he did make me breakfast before I left...which was really yummy . . . but I didn't sleep at all before going down to the airport. Which made the whole trip rather surreal. Like I was driving underwater the whole time or something. It didn't help that it was pitch black out. Or that I was driving his truck and not my Escape because my Escape was having 'issues'.

Tonight I am not sleeping because my husband is "stuck" on a certain board on his stupid Lego Star Wars game for Wii...he just quit and is now turning out all the lights because I should follow him like a little puppy who is thrilled her master is home...finally. Oddly enough, that's what I'm going to do. Not because he is beconing, but because I'm damn tired...and I have to work tomorrow. UGH.