Monday, January 12, 2009

I'm late - I'm late - for a VERY important date

Yeah - it's only a couple of days and probably nothing to really worry about at all...but I'm late. I'm not usually late and every time I am late I tend to overreact and get all worked up and only make things worse. I remember one time I actually skipped a month and I went to the doctors because every test I took came back negative...but it just never came. (He told me it was because I was taking the pill then and sometimes you can spot and that will be it - but I don't even remember doing that...oh well.)

I am not on the pill. DH and I have been VERY good about covering our tracks - if you know what I mean. There was this one time this month, though, that we kind of - sort of - well, we were a little irresponsible. So maybe that's on my mind and making me be late - maybe it's a mental thing...does that happen?

As to how I feel about the possibility...I think that's why I haven't run out and bought a test yet. I don't know if I do or don't want to have another baby. I honestly thought we were done...but we talk about it every so often like we might not be...then reality smacks me in the face and I start to think that there is just no way we could have another baby. It's only financially that I worry about...but it's a big worry. How would we afford another baby? We are just getting one out of diapers! I don't worry so much about the next 8 years or so...but when they are all in High School and going to Proms, applying for college and getting added to my car insurance! I want to give my kids everything I my parents gave me. The way things are right now that would be tough.

Then there is the other side...I LOVE babies. I LOVE the excitement of wondering if it's a boy or a girl. I LOVE picking out names, getting things ready, I LOVE wondering what the baby will look like. I also LOVE having a new baby. They are so cute and soft and smell so good. It's amazing to watch them grow. Their first year is such an amazing trip! I would love to go on that journey again - and share it with the children I already have. I really think if I have 3 I will not want more. I will be at peace with that enough to say I'm really done...but then again, who knows.

I've decided that if my appointment doesn't show up by tomorrow after work I'm going to stop for a test to see if it's ever gonna show. I'm not in a big hurry because once I know I can't change it. As much as it's driving me nuts not knowing - it's kind of nice, too. So...either my appointment will show up or I'll know for sure tomorrow evening...I'll keep ya posted.