Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Panic - could we just think about this for a while?

I'm sure that both of my other pregnancies were filled with this same wave of panic in the beginning. I'm sure that I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into. I'm sure that I was a little bit sad to end a chapter of my life and nervous about what new changes the new one was going to bring. It's the same right now...with this pregnancy...and I have such a long wait ahead of me to find out the answers.

Part of me is really sad that we are going from 4 to 5 - because 4 is such and even number...and 2 guys and 2 gals is so "balanced" (you can thank my DH for that comment). We are now going to be outnumbered. Someone will always be without a partner on the roller coaster.

Then again, I could be doing all this worry for nothing. I worried about how Danika would change our family dynamics because I wanted to make sure that I gave Nate enough attention when the new baby got here. I was worried he wouldn't feel loved or something. I was also worried that I couldn't love a new baby as much as I loved Nate. They were both silly...and Nate LOVES having a sister and I LOVE both of my kid equally but in unique ways and for unique reasons.

I'm just a little panicked about doing it all over again. I'm more than a little panicked. I'm really panicked. We aren't all going to be able to fit in one car...unless I move Nate to a booster seat - which isn't as safe and makes me nervous. So...we are going to at the very least think about getting a new car. Our house has 3 bedrooms. I know that each child doesn't have to have their own bedroom...but the bedrooms are small. The closets are small. The whole damn house is small. So we are also thinking about a new house, too. Then there is my job. I haven't told them yet. I haven't really had the chance to and I think I may wait a little while...like until after my first doctor's visit. I'm not very good at waiting, though. I'll probably spill the beans tomorrow. I'm that bad - I never waited to tell anyone when I was pregnant.

All that being said - I still have moments when I get excited about all of the things coming up. I am excited about having another baby...I should probably put all of the other stuff into God's hands and trust he'll take care of it, but I'm a control freak...always have been...always will be.

I guess the best I can do right now is enjoy the ride - it is probably the last time I'll be taking it and I will probably remember this one the best...because I kind of know what to expect and I'm not as worried or scared about the same things I was when I was pregnant with Nate. I remember Danika's birth a lot better than I do Nate's...so I'm sure I'll remember this one the best. ;)

Well, I'm gonna go eat something - seems like that's all I want to do these days.