12 hours ago
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Today has not been a good day. Babies have been crying and their older siblings have been fighting. I tried and tried to get something accomplished but it just didn't work out. I couldn't even get my grocery list and coupons organized to try to get my butt to the store for an early morning shopping trip. (I'm holding out hope that I might still be able to get it together tonight, though.)
I'm tired from painting yesterday and I'm not even done. I have this weird "weight of the world" feeling on my shoulders and the base of my neck. Try as I may it just won't go away.
All these things considered . . . I'm not feeling very photogenic. So, you can forget about what I was going to do...which is snap a pic today and just share that with you all.
I wanted to post a blog post, though. I wanted to finish this challenge and I wanted to move on to being able to write about other things (I actually have a list started of topics I'm going to write about!).
So, I started thinking about what picture to use.
I thought about this one:
Because I really really look like Danika (or Danika really looks like me) in this picture.
So, it got me thinking.
You wanna see me? Here . . . have a look.
Here I am . . . in the face of my daughter (picture taken by my good friend, Cathy).
And here I am again . . .
In this concentrated look of my son - I make this face a lot.
And here . . .
In the brown eyes of the most Italian of my 4 children . . . he gets that from me.
And here . . .
In the crooked smile and squinty eye of my youngest son.
I am in all of them...and they are my life.
I read an article yesterday about a woman who posted on her facebook page that an article she had written about not wanting to have children was going to be published or aired on TV or something like that (I can't for the life of me find the article now . . . or I would share it!). She was harshly criticized by some of her facebook pals from someone saying something along the lines of, "Why would anyone be interested in your choice not to have children?" to people saying that she will change her mind in 5 years or so. Then a fight broke out between her friends! Some saying that she has a right to do what she wants with her body and other saying that she doesn't know what she is missing.
Personally, I don't really care. It doesn't matter to me if she has children or not. It doesn't matter to me why she chooses not to have children or if she will change her mind. Now, if she were to criticize me for having 4 children THEN we would get into it but as long as you don't say anything negative about me having 4 kids then I won't say anything at all about you not having kids.
In fact, some days, I will be slightly jealous...other days, I will feel bad that she will never know what it's like to be the world to a little person. She won't know the power she could have to make things better in a way that only a mommy can...of course, that all comes with a price and I completely get that some people don't want to pay that price or don't think that it is worth it.
I have realized, though, that part of that price really is making an amazingly large sacrifice. . . I have given up so much for my children. I have given up eating warm meals - half the time I don't even eat a meal, I just pick while doing other things. I have given up hours and hours of sleep. I have given up watching TV during the day - if it isn't on Sprout or Noggin, we don't watch it. I have given up having my own time to do things for me. I have given up spending time with my friends. I have lost friends because of my children. I have given up space in my home - my dining room doubles as a toy room because we just don't have anywhere else for it to go. I have spent more money than I want to think about and we aren't even close to when they will be most expensive (imagine, if you will, feeding 3 growing boys and one princess when they are ages 14 - 10). I have given up blankets in the early morning when a little one crawls into my bed and says they are cold and want to snuggle. I have given up buying myself new clothes. I have given up peace and quiet. I have given up sanity and easy days.
That's the price. Those are all the things I've given up or lost because of my children. Of course, they are worth it. They are worth every single sacrifice. They give me more than I could ever list but just to make sure that you know I count the positive with the negative . . . here are just some things that they give me.
They give me smiles, kisses, hugs and compliments. It is one of the best feelings in the world to hear your child say that you are beautiful. They make me laugh - they say the most hysterical things. They make me proud. They remind me how simple life can be. They remind me that life is good and that everyday things are amazing. They remind me that a kiss really can make things better and they have helped me to see what is most important in life.
I remember life without kids. It was fun. It was all about me. I wish I knew how much time I had back then. I wish I knew that I was wasting so much of it on things that don't really matter. I probably would have done a lot of things differently if I knew then that I would be sacrificing so much now.
I almost feel like this is my second life. The one where it isn't about me but it's about my children.
I remember friends telling me that I have to be careful and not let my children become more important than taking care of myself...it's true but it's also impossible. Because, as you can see from the pictures, they are me and they are the most important things in the world...along with the other human being who is part of them. (Love you, Jerry)