Sunday, April 18, 2010

The difference is SHOCKING!! (Mama Guilt Monday)

Mama Guilt Mondays


While I love the prompt over at Cop Mama's, I had something else in mind for my Mama Guilt post today...

I am part of a group of women that get together once a month and just talk...and eat...and laugh.  We don't really have a name, but we have been getting together for about 6 or 7 months.  I've missed at least 1 get together - and it really bothered me because I look forward to that time out with other moms.

Anyway ~ there are all kinds of moms in our group.  Moms with one child, moms with 4 (hehehe), moms with all girls, moms with all boys, moms with a mix of both, moms who work and moms who are lucky enough to stay home.  It's funny how we all "need" our group for different reasons...I need the group to get a break from the kids and hang out with adults for a while.  I really enjoy their company and it makes me feel like someone other than "Mommy" for a few hours. 

A lot of the "first-time Moms" use the group as a place to get answers and help with that "am I doing it right" feeling.  This is where this week's Mama Guilt comes in...I'm just not as worried about the twins as I was Nate or Danika and that makes me worry I'll miss something.

I may have to backtrack a bit for this to make sense...

A few weeks ago, my mom was putting David on the carpet and asked me if I wanted her to put a blanket down first.  My reply?  "He's my 4th child...not my 1st, mom.  He's fine."  I guess I said it to be funny, but really I feel a little guilty about it now. 

Am I giving him the same about of attention I gave Nate?  No...because I can't.  Not only because he has Nate and Danika ahead of him, but because he also has a twin brother.  The twins don't get as much attention as I gave Nate or Danika.  I know it's not like I'm neglecting them.  I just wonder if I'm not seeing something.

With Nate, I knew every milestone.  I knew when he should be sitting unsupported.  I knew what kind of "talking" he should be doing.  I introduced his food in a certain order and fed him the same things for a certain period of time before switching to something else.  I kept him on a blanket on the floor.  I gave him a bath every other night without fail.  I always made sure he couldn't reach anything that he shouldn't have.

The twins are so different that I think I'm confusing their milestones...David just started crawling (as in this afternoon) but won't sit up.  Dean started sitting up but won't even roll over when we put him on the floor.  They both make all kinds of noises - but are they enough or the right ones?  They eat whatever I blended up and froze or whatever is in the cupboard.  I almost never put a blanket on the floor - they won't stay on it anyway.  They get a bath once a week - more if they NEED it but only once if not.  Today, David came millimeters away from sucking on a beer bottle because I was trying to keep Dean happy while Jerry ran in the kitchen to make a bottle and (as I mentioned) David recently started crawling. 

It's not that I'm not worried about them - I am...I want them to be okay...I want them to grow and develop the way they are suppose to...it's just...well, with all of the other stuff going on I'm usually just happy if they are happy.  I feel guilty about that because I'm afraid that not being so worried all the time...so cautious...means that I'm not being as good a mom to them as I was to Nate, when I only had 1 baby - and they deserve a mommy as worried as I was then.

This whole thing kind of started 2 days ago because Dean has been breathing funny.  My gut tells me it's probably nothing.  It's this...well, you know how you have to try to catch your breath after you cry really really hard?  That gasping, I guess?  Well he was doing that...in his sleep...and then for about 10 minutes after he woke up.  No crying, though.  He didn't cry before, during or after.  It did go away - and it wasn't constant...but I have this nagging feeling that I wrote it off too quickly.  He had an inhaler because of bronchitis about 3 months ago (I don't think he really had bronchitis, to be honest).  Could it be some side effect from that?  Could it be asthma?  How do I know?  I decided that if it happens again I will call the doctor - but is that the right thing to do?  If it were Nate when he was 7 months old would I have called before it stopped - in that first 10 minutes?

As I've said before, I'm not perfect and I hate these feeling of not knowing what to do...I hate being the one "in-charge" sometimes...I wish someone would just tell me what to do and I'll do it - guilt free.