Monday, March 28, 2011

Mother's Instinct

It's been a long day.  Actually, it's been a long weekend.  Something is off and I don't know what but I wish I could put my finger on it and get over whatever it is...but lately I've been edgier than usual.

This morning, we took Dean to Children's Hospital to see a cardiologist.  I should probably back up a little bit -

Me and my not so little, little guy

When Dean was about 9 months old he got Bronchiolitis.  It sucked.  It was scary and frustrating because he had to use an inhaler for it ~ which is not fun with a 9 month old...not fun AT ALL!

So, I kind of noticed since then that he seems to have a stronger/harder heartbeat than my other kiddos.  I mentioned it to his doctor at our one year visit and she said that she didn't hear anything unusual but to let her know if I notice it again.  I felt a little better but wasn't convinced that she listened well enough to know for sure that there was nothing there...but he was healthy otherwise and was developing perfectly normally.

We missed their 15 month appointment because of the "Olive Can" incident.   So - they were just seen this past month for their 18 month check up.  About a week before the check up I was snuggling with Dean in my bed, something that almost NEVER happens because the boys aren't usually in our bed with us.  I noticed that his heart was beating hard again.  He wasn't crying.  He wasn't angry.  He was snuggling with me.  He did have a bit of a cold, though.  I tried not to worry about it and went on with life as usual. 

At the appointment, I talked to the doctor about all my concerns about David.  We talked about his thumb and how nicely it healed.  We talked about how they eat, sleep and their growth.  Then, she asked if I had any concerns about Dean.  I said, "Just make sure you get a good listen to his heart, again."  She asked why and I told her that I still felt like something was off...so she tried listening but couldn't hear much of what I was talking about because Dean was NOT happy she was near him.  So - she sent us to the cardiologist.

I was perfectly fine with it and expected that there would be nothing wrong.  I expected to be told that I was overreacting or that I was crazy.  I was happy that I was going to have a specialist tell me he was okay.  

That's why I don't understand why I'm not thrilled that things went exactly that way!  He is fine.  She didn't hear anything out of the ordinary and she said he seems perfectly healthy.  I couldn't have asked for a better visit or report.  

So, can someone please explain to me why I still have a knot in my stomach?  I believe her that his heart is fine.  I saw his pulse, blood pressure and the EKG that they did.  I watched a physician's assistant and a cardiologist check him out and both of them take their time listening to him.  They both said the same thing and agreed he was good.  

I think that part of it comes from Jerry telling the physician's assistant that we were basically sitting in front of her because of "Mother's Instinct" - his exact words because he had never felt anything like I had mentioned.  I am glad I was wrong but does that mean my instincts are off?  Am I missing something, then?  I have felt pretty stretched thin lately.  I'm overwhelmed and feeling a bit out of it lately . . . but is this effecting my instincts?  Does it mean my game isn't what it should be?

Nope - the thing is, I think I knew that he was fine all along.  I think that I knew that the doctor was going to tell me it was nothing.  I also think I need to hear it so that I could check it off of my list of things to worry about.  I believe it, too, really I do...I DO.  Okay, so it doesn't mean that I won't still be paying extra close attention even if there is nothing there to pay attention to.  It's not the first time I have been wrong but (in case you haven't noticed) it is one of the few.  hehehe  :)