Sunday, March 7, 2010

Multiples and More – Question of the Week (Take 2)

This is my second week doing the QOTW over at Multiples and More and this one is an interesting one that I’ve actually come in contact with before.

Do you think parents of multiples are more likely to become divorced? Why or why not?

I’ve been married for a little under 6 years.  I have 4 children under the age of 5.  The youngest 2 are twin boys.  I can’t imagine doing this without my husband.

I bought this book:  Mothering Twins: From Hearing the News to Beyond the Terrible Twos and the topic of mothers and fathers of multiples being in the highest bracket for divorce was brought up.  I know it is stressful – but it is NOT the only (and probably not the main) cause of these families falling apart.

In my honest opinion I think that having multiples . . . No, I KNOW that having multiples causes a lot of stress on a marriage.  However, I think people who make bad decisions and get married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person are much more likely to get divorced than a loving, committed, happy couple who has more than one baby at a time. 

If you get divorced because you have multiples then there was probably something wrong with your marriage in the first place – or their would have been something wrong even without the multiple birth.  I know a lot of people who have not been able to make their first marriages work – none of them have multiples. 

Divorce happens too often in this country and hurts a lot of people when it does.  I make an extra effort to not judge people who are divorced because I don’t think that anyone can fully understand the very personal reasons that it happens.

As far as my relationship with Jerry goes, having multiples has changed it.  I really feel that it has (so far) made us a lot closer and more of a team…on good days.  The problem is that the work NEVER ends.  It is exhausting and I think there are often times when I feel like he isn’t doing enough – and times when he feels like I’m not doing enough. 

We both try very hard not to let those things cause problems between us – it doesn’t always work, but we try.  We have had to become much more verbal with each other in order to not get angry all the time – communication has become so much more important.  You learn fast that you can’t expect the other person to read your mind – there is just too much noise in the house for that to EVER happen.

On the other hand, knowing when to let things go because it isn’t worth getting into a fight about has become equally important.  It is also important to not jump to conclusions and take the time to talk things out or get all of the information.  Like when he taps me on the shoulder at 4 am and tells me it is my turn to go put the binkie back in Dean’s mouth so he will stop crying because he got out of bed and did it last time.  I feel like calling him a liar because I didn’t feel him get out of bed.  I didn’t even hear Dean cry!  I’m exhausted and in a deep deep sleep and he has to wake me up to go put a binkie in that I don’t want to try to find in the dark anymore than he does…Then I realize (when he tells me) that I didn’t hear Dean the two times before (at 1 am and 3 am) because he let me sleep through it!

I guess the one thing I would tell parents who just found out they are having multiples is that it is important to take care of each other, too.  Love your partner and make sure that they know you love them.  Be there for each other and really become a TEAM!  Jerry and I considered ourselves a team from the moment our first “singleton” came into this world.  We grew into a stronger team when our second “singleton” arrived.  We were a little (understatement of the year) nervous when our “multiples” were on their way – but now that they are here we are stronger than ever…not perfect, but still happy and in love with each other.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed upstairs to stick my freezing cold feet under the covers and find Jerry’s warm ones…I might even whisper to him how grateful I am to be on this journey with him by my side!