Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Admitting you have a problem - is it the first step?

I have a problem when it comes to my kids.  Other than DH (because they are his kids, too), I don't like to ask for help from people.  I will ask for help if I am in desperate need of it - but I don't like to ask for help.  Some days, I actually LONG for the time when I will be able to pay a well researched, responsible high school student to watch my children (or two...since I have four kids!).

I feel so guilty when I ask a relative to babysit my kids, that I don't ask unless I have no other option (like staying home while Jerry does whatever it is I need done - or Jerry staying home while I go).  Part of the guilt comes from the fact that I am blessed to still be happily married and still have my health.  Not everyone in my family is as lucky as I am in that aspect - so I often feel guilty because they need the help more than I do.  The problem is that there are a lot of times I need help and don't ask - which leads to me being upset and frustrated.  I end up feeling overwhelmed and taking that out on DH.  I end up feeling stuck and hiding out from my kiddos until I get my senses back and realize I'm just being over dramatic - but when I'm feeling it...it's a real feeling.  Luckily, it never lasts long...and I always look back and realize I probably overreacted.

I know that it's 150% my fault.  (After all...I'm not perfect.)  I don't want to "bother" anyone - I don't want to add to their already busy and complicated lives by dumping my needs on top of all the stuff they already have to deal with.  No one really ever ASKS to spend time with my kids without me there.  Are they suppose to?  Am I waiting around for something that doesn't usually happen?

I was really worried, when I thought about how to get this off my chest, that it would sound like I trying to look like some kind of martyr.  I'm not.  I was worried that I would sound like I'm whining.  Maybe I am...a little.  I know that it is my fault that I don't get the help I need - I don't ask but if I did the help would probably be there.  Plus, if I ask and it isn't there (which has happened, too), then I'm no worse off than before I asked, right? 

The thing is . . . I don't want to be one of those people who is always dumping their kids off on other people.  This is my life now - I have 4 very small children and I pretty much have NO social life.  I know it won't always be like this...but isn't this the way it is suppose to be right now? 

My husband doesn't have your typical 9-5  / M-F job, which really stinks when it comes to me getting any time out of the house.  I can't tell you how much I wish he had Saturdays off...or was home every night by 5:30.  We would be able to get out of the house all together.  Go somewhere with the kids...I can't do that by myself.  NO WAY!  Maybe this is just the winter blues talking. 

Right now, though, his job is perfect for our situation (well...not perfect, but pretty good) because he has Tuesdays off - which means we don't have to find a place for the kids to go while I go to work on Tuesdays...just Thursdays.  He has a job, though - which not everyone can say - and it's a good one.  We want a lot of things but there isn't really anything we need that we don't have.

I guess the whole point of me opening this can of worms is that I don't know how to get over that guilty feeling I have when other people have to deal with my kids.  I feel like I'm the one who has to discipline them, comfort them so they stop crying, change them, feed them, dress them, bathe them...I am the one that should be doing that.  However, lately, trying to do that, laundry, work, cook, clean and maintain a little sanity is starting to be a bit much.  I keep telling myself it will get easier - especially when I don't have to make every trip to the potty with my daughter and the twins can feed themselves!  Yesterday, I was talking to one of the women I work with who has 5 children...she just looked so tired and said to me, "You think it's going to get easier - but really it just gets busier."  I can't worry about the future, though...that really overwhelms me.  I have to focus on now...and right now I have to go switch the laundry, clean up the breakfast dishes and take Danika to the potty...