Monday, May 10, 2010

Maybe Next Year…

So ~ How was your Mother’s Day?  Let me show you what my loving hubby bought me for the special occasion…

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Cute, right? There is one silhouette for each of my kiddos – with their birthday listed below.  At first, I thought it was a little bit too big because I’m not a big jewelry person.  But it grew on me and by the end of the day I was in love with it!  I’m already thinking about other charms I want to get to put on it…like a teaching one and maybe one for my anniversary!

All that being said – my Mother’s Day was kind of a rocky one emotionally.  I’m not sure exactly why, but I got myself into a bad place for about 45 minutes and had to force myself to snap out of it.  I’ve probably mentioned somewhere (but I’m too lazy to go find where) that I try very hard to be a positive person.  I try very hard not to complain too much about things.  I didn’t realize that trying that hard can sometimes catch up with you – but it did for me yesterday.  All the things I try not to worry about or complain about started to REALLY bother me.  They started to bother me so much I had to actually go up to my room and be alone for about 20 minutes so I could lose my composure and then regain it – something I just didn’t feel like doing in front of my kiddos.  I cried – not uncontrollably, but harder than I had in a while – and then I told myself that was it…it was time to go and enjoy my Mother’s Day. 

I have no real intention of getting into what I was upset about – except for one thing a little further down…but I do want to talk a little bit about my hubby’s reaction.  He didn’t know why I excused myself.  After all, I’m just getting over a stomach flu, so I’ve been running up the steps a lot lately!  We talked about it a little later, though, when we were riding home from my parents’ house.  I told him that I think trying to be so positive is starting to wear on me.  I told him about how I think that always trying to act like everything is okay is making me hold a lot more inside than I should be.  One of the problems, though, is that everything really is pretty much okay.  The things I would complain about aren’t really that big a deal when you look at other people’s problems.  However – they are my problems.  They are the things I have to deal with.  I mentioned that I maybe I should go find someone to talk to - you know, like a therapist, because I won't feel bad complaining to them because I'd be paying them to listen to me...all he said was, "Yeah - and they would probably say something back to you...cause I have no clue what to tell ya!"

Another issue with me complaining is that I really have a problem admitting that I have a problem.  I try very hard to do things on my own.  It comes from so many people telling me I’m going to need help – from so many people commenting on how full my hands must be – from so many people giving me a sympathetic look when they find out how many kids I have and how old they are – I want to prove them wrong for some reason.  I don’t like to admit that I don’t have it under control.  I don’t like to admit that I need help.  I don’t like to ask for help.  I desperately want to be able to go to the park with my four children all by myself…but it will never happen.  I know that I only have to ask and someone would be more than willing to go with me – so, yesterday, I decided I’m done feeling sorry for myself and going to quit being stubborn.  I’m going to *gulp* ask for help and ask other people into my life – realizing that they will see that I’m not perfect…but that’s okay, right?  I’m hoping that it will help me to feel less isolated – less like all I am is a mother.

Isn’t it funny that I would discover something like that on Mother’s Day – that I’m having an issue because I feel like I’m consumed with being a mother these days?  Of COURSE I’m consumed with it – I have 4 children who depend on me for pretty much every essential in life (although 2 out of 4 are potty trained – hang in there Christine!).  Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE being a mom…but for some reason I’m missing doing things for me.

So – I took a personal day from work yesterday.  Jerry is off and I’m going to get my haircut.  I think I want it to look something like this:

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I know…it’s kind of a mom haircut!  However, I’ve been rocking the ponytail nonstop for about a month now…I need a change – and I’m hoping that this will force me to do my hair every day…and that will make me feel like getting out of the house, which will mean I will have to call someone to go with me!

Next, I’ve got to do something about my wardrobe.  If you pretty much wear XL clothes, where do you shop?  I’m planning on getting rid of a lot of my less comfortable clothes and getting myself some staples and starting my wardrobe over.  Let’s face it, pregnancy changes your body…unfortunately for me, mine isn’t bouncing back as quick from the twins as I would like.  I refuse to keep trying on the same clothes that make me look horrible hoping that they don’t look as bad today.  So – I need to make a list of essentials and sort of start over…ideas would be greatly appreciated because I hate to shop for clothes – fashion just really isn’t my thing.

I’m hoping that maybe next year I’ll be more together on Mother’s Day – I’m hoping that I might be able to look more like I want to look and feel more like I want to feel.  Yesterday was just a really off day for me.

In closing – do you have boys?  Do you have Geotrax?  We have a love/hate relationship with them around here.  They are fun and Nate and Danika will both play with them for hours…but they take up SO much space!  Exhibit A for Why We Need a Playroom!

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