I gave the boys a bath tonight.  They were both kind of stinky and we had just had ice cream which found its way into their hair and behind their ears . . . so into the bath they went.  It was my initial plan to simply throw 'em in and scrub 'em up and get 'em out.  They had other plans, though.

I thought about grabbing the camera before I headed upstairs.  I also thought about grabbing my cell phone (which has a camera) but I figured I would probably be too busy keeping both of their heads above the water and making sure no one tried climbing out of the tub to take pictures.  They were in the mood to play, though.  They sat facing each other in the tub and Dean would back the whole way up to the back of the tub and kick his feet so he slid down and splashed David who laughed hysterically the whole time.  Then David would splash Dean before he made his way to the back of the tub again.  This went on for a good 4 or 5 minutes.  The whole time I kept thinking that I should run and grab the Flip or the DSLR or even my cell phone.

Then, I made a conscious decision to just enjoy the moment and REMEMBER it instead of worrying about capturing it.  I LOVE my pictures and my videos.  I know that I will appreciate them even more when my kids are older.  I try to take pictures of them every day.  I have some great pictures of Dean eating mashed potatoes today that I will have to share with you soon.  However, I really feel that my constant desire to capture every moment sometimes takes me away from enjoying it.  So, I decided there would be other bath times for me to capture and I would just watch...which I did...I watched as David continued to laugh so hard that the ice cream he ate came spewing out of his mouth and made Dean look like a frosted cupcake.

I should have grabbed the camera because then I could have been thinking about how I was going to win $10,000.00 on AFV while I emptied the tub, cleaned it out and gave the boys a second bath...

I love my life!  (I'm serious - as much as that was a pain in the butt - I couldn't help but laugh at the same time!)

So ~ How was your Mother’s Day?  Let me show you what my loving hubby bought me for the special occasion…

Cute, right? There is one silhouette for each of my kiddos – with their birthday listed below.  At first, I thought it was a little bit too big because I’m not a big jewelry person.  But it grew on me and by the end of the day I was in love with it!  I’m already thinking about other charms I want to get to put on it…like a teaching one and maybe one for my anniversary!

All that being said – my Mother’s Day was kind of a rocky one emotionally.  I’m not sure exactly why, but I got myself into a bad place for about 45 minutes and had to force myself to snap out of it.  I’ve probably mentioned somewhere (but I’m too lazy to go find where) that I try very hard to be a positive person.  I try very hard not to complain too much about things.  I didn’t realize that trying that hard can sometimes catch up with you – but it did for me yesterday.  All the things I try not to worry about or complain about started to REALLY bother me.  They started to bother me so much I had to actually go up to my room and be alone for about 20 minutes so I could lose my composure and then regain it – something I just didn’t feel like doing in front of my kiddos.  I cried – not uncontrollably, but harder than I had in a while – and then I told myself that was it…it was time to go and enjoy my Mother’s Day. 

I have no real intention of getting into what I was upset about – except for one thing a little further down…but I do want to talk a little bit about my hubby’s reaction.  He didn’t know why I excused myself.  After all, I’m just getting over a stomach flu, so I’ve been running up the steps a lot lately!  We talked about it a little later, though, when we were riding home from my parents’ house.  I told him that I think trying to be so positive is starting to wear on me.  I told him about how I think that always trying to act like everything is okay is making me hold a lot more inside than I should be.  One of the problems, though, is that everything really is pretty much okay.  The things I would complain about aren’t really that big a deal when you look at other people’s problems.  However – they are my problems.  They are the things I have to deal with.  I mentioned that I maybe I should go find someone to talk to - you know, like a therapist, because I won't feel bad complaining to them because I'd be paying them to listen to me...all he said was, "Yeah - and they would probably say something back to you...cause I have no clue what to tell ya!"

Another issue with me complaining is that I really have a problem admitting that I have a problem.  I try very hard to do things on my own.  It comes from so many people telling me I’m going to need help – from so many people commenting on how full my hands must be – from so many people giving me a sympathetic look when they find out how many kids I have and how old they are – I want to prove them wrong for some reason.  I don’t like to admit that I don’t have it under control.  I don’t like to admit that I need help.  I don’t like to ask for help.  I desperately want to be able to go to the park with my four children all by myself…but it will never happen.  I know that I only have to ask and someone would be more than willing to go with me – so, yesterday, I decided I’m done feeling sorry for myself and going to quit being stubborn.  I’m going to *gulp* ask for help and ask other people into my life – realizing that they will see that I’m not perfect…but that’s okay, right?  I’m hoping that it will help me to feel less isolated – less like all I am is a mother.

Isn’t it funny that I would discover something like that on Mother’s Day – that I’m having an issue because I feel like I’m consumed with being a mother these days?  Of COURSE I’m consumed with it – I have 4 children who depend on me for pretty much every essential in life (although 2 out of 4 are potty trained – hang in there Christine!).  Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE being a mom…but for some reason I’m missing doing things for me.

So – I took a personal day from work yesterday.  Jerry is off and I’m going to get my haircut.  I think I want it to look something like this:

I know…it’s kind of a mom haircut!  However, I’ve been rocking the ponytail nonstop for about a month now…I need a change – and I’m hoping that this will force me to do my hair every day…and that will make me feel like getting out of the house, which will mean I will have to call someone to go with me!

Next, I’ve got to do something about my wardrobe.  If you pretty much wear XL clothes, where do you shop?  I’m planning on getting rid of a lot of my less comfortable clothes and getting myself some staples and starting my wardrobe over.  Let’s face it, pregnancy changes your body…unfortunately for me, mine isn’t bouncing back as quick from the twins as I would like.  I refuse to keep trying on the same clothes that make me look horrible hoping that they don’t look as bad today.  So – I need to make a list of essentials and sort of start over…ideas would be greatly appreciated because I hate to shop for clothes – fashion just really isn’t my thing.

I’m hoping that maybe next year I’ll be more together on Mother’s Day – I’m hoping that I might be able to look more like I want to look and feel more like I want to feel.  Yesterday was just a really off day for me.

In closing – do you have boys?  Do you have Geotrax?  We have a love/hate relationship with them around here.  They are fun and Nate and Danika will both play with them for hours…but they take up SO much space!  Exhibit A for Why We Need a Playroom!

 

My birthday turned out to be a pretty nice day - until my hormones kicked in and turned me in to a crazed woman (but that wasn't until AFTER the kids went to bed...so it's all good).  2 of the biggest highlights were that my BlackBerry went back to normal after being fully submerged in my husband's grandmother's toilet last night.  (stuck it in a bag of rice overnight) AND my daughter slept in big girl underwear for the first time with NO ACCIDENTS!!!  Having 2 out of pull-ups/diapers would be awesome.  Especially since this was the one I never thought would be potty trained.

After waking up and getting surprised with a working phone and dry daughter (and birthday cards from kids and Jerry), Jerry left with Nate to go to the auto body shop to get an estimate for the damage to our van.  We were in a very minor accident the Tuesday before Easter - minor but still $4,000.00.  The other girl's insurance has already contacted us and they will be taking care of everything.  On the way back, he picked up doughnuts and breakfast sandwiches for breakfast.  (Duh) Then he took the "big" kids to play outside almost all day which gave me some time to get some stuff done inside.  He also took them down to the corner store (yes, we still have one of those and it's within walking distance) and bought us sandwiches and cookies and little pizza pillows for lunch.  

After lunch, I went up to tackle the whole switch from winter clothes to summer ones.  We have been having really nice weather and need to get the shorts out.  I NEVER imagined what a gigantic task it is to go through dressers and closets for 6 people.  I'm not even done yet.  I spent about 3 hours up there and got the babies and "big" kids clothes situated.  I have a box for my niece and 3 boxes for Goodwill.  I also have about 4 baskets of laundry - so who knows what's in there.  My room...my clothes...I just didn't have the energy for it yesterday.  Plus, it's all pre-twin-pregnancy and that scares me.  I don't want to open these boxes and find clothes that don't fit...it's too depressing.  *sigh*  I did manage to find a pair of capris that fit quite well when looking for something to wear yesterday.  Maybe it won't be as bad as I think - but I still am willing to bet that I'll have another box for Goodwill when all is said and done.  I'm not holding on to things that I can't wear.  It's too much clutter and too much pressure. 

I have a question - if you are still reading my rambling.  Anyone ever have to teach someone to pedal who just doesn't want to pedal forward?  Danika LOVES her new bike...but she just won't pedal forward.  I've tried moving her feet in the right direction.  I've tried having her watch Nate do it.  Doing it for "pretend" while laying on the floor.  She just can't get it.  I know that it may just be that she needs to keep trying - but if there is some kind of trick, I'd appreciate you sharing it with me so we can get her moving!

Oh - and here...have a picture!

First of all – Easter rocked!  Check it out -

We colored Easter eggs

We ate Easter Pizza (that’s what we call it at least)

We were invaded by GIANT Easter Bunnies

We had Easter egg hunts

We wore Bunny Ears (or at least THEY wore them!)

Now ~ we have so much Easter candy I don’t know what we are going to do with it all.  We have more than I could ever allow my children to eat – Easter has totally rivaled Halloween this year.  They got candy at the Easter Party we went to a few weeks ago.  Nate got some candy from school (not as much candy as other stuff, though – which was nice).  They got candy from my husband’s parents.  They got candy from my parents.  They got candy from the “Easter Bunny” (though only a few little eggs with jelly beans and a big chocolate bunny).  They got candy from my sister-in-law.  HELP!  I would like to do something fun with the chocolate…melt it down, maybe?  Any suggestions?  What do you do with all the candy? 

Oh…and…um ~ I reached 75 followers this weekend.  That is a really big deal for me…I’m kind of in awe, actually.  Thank you for finding me interesting enough to listen to while I’m rambling!  *totally blushing*

For some reason this morning I started thinking about how much of this my kids are going to remember.  I know that I will remember a lot of it – probably not all of it, which kind of makes me sad – but I know that I will remember a lot.  How much will they remember when they are my age?  When do kids really start remembering and making their memories?

Nate already remembers some things.  In fact, he remembers a lot more than I ever would have thought he would.  He remembers that we went swimming on our vacation – and he wants to go again.  He remembers that we met Nana and Pap Pap and Aunt Mare at the seats outside of Sonic and had lunch there when the weather was nice – now that the weather is nice again, he wants to do that again, too!  He remembers that Grandma Fran looks at the same moon we do every night and that Elena likes to play the Wii.  All things that I wouldn’t have bet on him remembering.

Danika – well, she comes up with the strangest things sometimes.  I still see her as younger than she really is, I think.  Her speech is something that I’m going to have to deal with sooner or later…probably sooner if I can.  Sometimes, though, she will bust out with something really clear and I can understand every word!  She loves Little Bear and this morning was reciting it word for word…which amazed me.

When I think back to my childhood, I remember bits and pieces.  I almost feel like I should write them down somewhere so that I won’t forget more than I already have!  I remember listening to The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack with my parents on Saturdays while eating breakfast.  I remember my dad playing the 1812th Overture to wake us up in the mornings during summer vacation.  I remember jumping on the bed, breaking it and blaming the whole thing on my sister – then, getting caught!  I remember vacations and weekend trips.  I remember picnics and Lemon Blend.  I remember walking to Dairy Queen and Rosa’s Pizza. 

I don’t remember the everyday stuff as much as I would like to.  I don’t remember things as clearly as I would like to.  I don’t know if anyone does…I wish I could.

Anyway – here are pictures of my kids this morning.  An ordinary morning where we aren’t doing anything special.  I just snapped them: 1, 2, 3, 4.

Here’s what you looked like on March 31, 2010 little ones…where all we did was play with some toys, eat grilled cheese for breakfast (because you wanted to) and laugh with each other:

So ~ the concert was great…I mean look how happy I was before we even got inside!

 

I was really excited for the concert but it was also great to get a little break from being Mommy for a while and focus on being with Jerry.  Awww ~ I know some of you just had a bit of a gag reflex . . . but deal with it.  I’m now, once again, madly in love with my husband and can’t get enough of him! 

For reasons I can (and cannot) blog about here, I smiled pretty much all day yesterday.  Nothing really bothered me, even when I was bothered.  Work seemed easier and my kids seemed a little bit more well behaved (except for Danika right after her nap – does anyone know why 3 year old girls insist on crying for 20 minutes after waking up from a nap?).

Anyway ~ back to the concert…We started the evening with dinner at Longhorn Steak House.  Yummy – I got to eat a hot meal and didn’t have to pick 1 thing off the floor or try to cut something with one hand because I was holding a baby in the other! 

After dinner, we headed down to Pitt’s Campus and the Peterson Event Center for the show.  Parking (just like everyone said it would be) was horrendous!  We got there early enough that there was a garage near by that we could squeeze into – and I do mean SQUEEZE.  I can’t imagine if we would have had the van – Jerry’s little car barely made the turns!

We walked around for a little bit and watched the college kids who were enjoying the nice weather.  There was a very small grassy area next to the event center where they were throwing Frisbee and tossing footballs around.  It made me miss college a teeny tiny bit – but I LOVED school…so that’s not really a surprise.

After getting to our seats, the opening act started.  We didn’t know there was going to be an opening act – but we were pleasantly surprised.  These guys were pretty awesome.  Naturally 7 makes all their “music” with their voices.   No instruments – just them.   It’s worth checking out – we actually bought their cd (which Michael Buble sings a song on with them) and got their autographs!  Really nice guys, too!  Each one of them took the time to shake our hands and say hello.  Looked us straight in the eye, too!  I know they were probably told that it would make a difference if they did – and it does.  :)  They opened with this song.

As I expected, Michael was awesome.  He was funny ~ which I remembered well from the first time we went to see him.  He was cute ~ which I also remembered well from the first time we saw him.  He gave it his all – he even made fun of us a bit…after all he’s Canadian and they love their hockey.  He commented on how we need to shut up about the whole Gold Medal thing…after all we have been lucky enough to watch great players like Lemieux play in our city and have a little bit of Crosby and Malkin on our team now.  hehehe

The whole show was wonderful.  I was surprised when I read a review that didn’t RAVE about it…then I realized why it didn’t.  I noticed that Michael’s voice seemed a little bit off…it seemed tired.  However, he is an amazing performer and when he gets you in the moment while he’s singing you don’t hear that he doesn’t hit every note perfectly (or that he was a little pitchy, as they ALWAYS say on American Idol…I hate when they use pitchy as a critique.)  He gives you a great show and you walk away really feeling like he was singing to you…even with 9,000 other people around you.

Watch this – and you will see what I mean.  This isn’t a recording from Pittsburgh, but this is how he closed his show.  There was no screaming or anything at the end in Pittsburgh.  It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop in the bathroom on the first floor of the arena.  It was amazing.  I started tearing up.  I think Jerry may have even sniffled a little (but it could have been from the disgusting perfume the girl in front of us was wearing – yuck!)

I can’t wait until he comes back.  I will definitely be there – hopefully with closer seats but I would sit anywhere and just be happy to be in the same building as him.  (BTW – that’s extremely similar to the line I used to get my dad to take me to see Metallica when I was a Freshman in HS.  I said, “It’s okay, Dad.  At least I’ll be in the same State as them.”  We had tickets the next day!  Love ya, Dad – you buy the best concert tickets!)

 

I love Peter Krause.  I loved him when he played Nate Fisher in Six Feet Under.  I loved him in The Lost Room ~ which my dad actually had me start watching.  He was good in Dirty Sexy Money, but I wasn’t a fan of the show otherwise.  He’s the reason I started watching Parenthood – and I’m really loving his role in it and the show in general. 

I was a little worried that I wasn’t going to like the show after the pilot.  There was too much drama and not enough comedy.  I was hoping it would have a nice balance – but all the things that started going downhill at first made me nervous that this show was just going to be one more thing that reminds me that life doesn’t always work out the way you plan.  I don’t need a TV show to tell me that things go wrong, the unexpected happens and people with the best of intentions aren’t always able to hold true to their promises.  Life isn’t easy – but I didn’t want a TV show to remind me of that and shove it down my throat.  I’ve warmed up to the show, though. 

There is still more drama than comedy.  There are still a lot of reminders of how life doesn’t always turn out the way we want or the way we planned.  However, there are also more of those, “THIS is what it’s all about” moments.    Like one of the last scene’s last night – the whole family (differences aside) was together supporting Peter’s character and his family as they waited for a really important call about his son being admitted to a special school – he was recently diagnosed with Aspergers.  When the call came – they celebrated together!  It was one of those moments when everyone is happy…those are the kind of moments I want in my TV shows.

Without getting too personal – my extended family isn’t the way I imaged it was going to be when I was growing up.  My sister has been dealt a really bad deal health wise – she and her husband – and it’s made a lot of things out of the question.  For example, I can’t just meet my sister at the mall to let the kids play in the playground for a little bit.  My sister has MS and she is in a wheelchair.  She doesn’t drive.  She walks short distances with a walker.  It’s hard on everyone – especially her.  She has a beautiful 3 year old daughter who loves to play with my kids. (and fight with them…because isn’t that what cousins do?)  That’s just my sister – we won’t even get into what’s going on with other members of both mine and Jerry’s family.

It seems, as of late, that my family just doesn’t have a lot of those, “THIS is what it is about” moments. It’s almost like all of our happy moments are somehow shadowed by the stuff that didn’t work out the way it was suppose to – sorry if that doesn’t make sense, but I’m not going to elaborate because it would take too long and be too upsetting.  It makes me sad.    When that happens, I really have to “force” myself to look at what I have – because I am blessed.  My children are healthy.  My children are amazing. 

Last night I had an “Ah Ha!” moment.  I realized that it’s not about me – as much – anymore.  It’s more about them.  I seriously looked at Jerry and said, “We may not be able to have that – but THEY can!” I feel a little more hopeful.  I feel like I have a new understanding of my purpose.  I will tell you that I kind of scared about it – having any kind of expectations is dangerous business…but I’m excited now, too. 

I started thinking about 4 kids…in 4 years!  4 kids…so close together. . . then I realized maybe God does know what he’s doing.  4 kids that close together just might mean they will be best friends.  They will help each other through things.  They will lean on each other.  They will be there for each other.  They will have lives full of those, “THIS is what it is about” moments together.  They may drive me crazy now – but maybe the fact that they are so close together will really be a tremendous blessing in the future. 

Okay – I’m done rambling.  Head on over to Oh, Sweetlee Me…I actually won this contest!  It came in the mail yesterday!  :)  It’s really pretty!

Oh – and guess what…I’m spending some time with my favorite Canadian TONIGHT!!!

Sooo excited!

PS ~ here he is singing my wedding dance song!  :)

 

 

In about an hour or so my friend is bringing her daughter over for a play date. We plan on ordering pizza and letting the kids play for a while. The big deal part is - I didn't clean my house!

One of the main reasons I never want anyone to come over to my house - one of the main reasons I feel like I have no friends - is that my house is in a constant state of chaos.  I think that I've finally come to accept the fact that my house is just not going to be neat and orderly.  Now - my house is NOT dirty.  I do wipe things down, run the sweeper, pick up dirty dishes and dirty clothes.  We take the garbage out and all of that jazz.  However, there are a TON of toys and just stuff that I never get around to putting away...and what's the point, really?  I put them away and they come right back out!  I need a routine - but I have 4 small children and a routine is often just an extra added stress for me...because, let's face it - I'm not really in control of what's going on 75% of the time (the other 25% of the time the twins are sleeping - I have a little more control when they aren't awake).  Then you run into the fact that when I do get time to myself I'm usually too exhausted to do anything productive. 

So - I decided when I woke up this morning that I was not going to stress about how my house looked before my friend came over.  I'm not even going to say anything about it (or I'm at least going to try not to - it's hard for me not to make excuses).  I really doubt she will think anything bad about me - in fact, I'm pretty sure she'll probably feel bad for me and want to do my laundry!  hehehe  Of course, I'll tell her no.  I couldn't let her go down to the basement!  Holy crap - wanna talk about a catch all for all the stuff we don't know what to do with!!!  Nate calls it "the toy store downstairs"...yep, that's pretty much what it looks like. 

So - wish me luck...I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh - and no Friday Follow for me this week...I have too much anxiety about getting to the blogs in my Google Reader as it is!  :)

I've been thinking a lot about my blog title - Perfecting Imperfection.  At first, I chose it because I thought it was witty and kind of cute...now I'm seeing more and more how it's also a very good fit.  I am not perfect.  I've never claimed to be and I'm certainly not going to start right now.  Actually, I find it easy to admit I was wrong and just move on more and more these days because my priorities have shifted greatly and I don't have time to worry about being right anymore.  My new priorities are the most important I've ever had in my life - they are my precious children and they are really all that matter...along with DH, of course...and the rest of my family.  :)

Anyway, as I was saying, I am not perfect.  I have accepted the fact that I will always have debt, dirty laundry to do and 10-15lbs or more that I could lose.  I will always be at least a little tired and more often than not will have roots that need dyed.  My house will not always be neat and orderly.  In fact, it will probably look like a tornado went through it most days and even some nights (when I'm too exhausted to put it back together before going to bed).  Some nights I will order pizza for dinner and some days we will not get out of our pajamas ALL DAY LONG!  I will probably forget some birthdays that I meant to remember (I am so horrible with this) and be looking for something that I lost a week ago and still haven't found.  I am not organized.  I do not have it together.

I often hear the comment, "You really have your hands full, don't you?"

I always lie and tell people, "It's not that bad."

I guess it's not a complete and total lie.  It can be bad - if I let it get to me.  If I sit and think about all the ways my life isn't "perfect" or even "almost perfect", I will most certainly have some kind of a breakdown.  Those days do happen.  I have days where I think about how much easier life would have been if we would only have Nate...or would have stopped after Danika.  We are so outnumbered.  We are overwhelmed.  We are on the verge of insanity some days...

We are also so blessed.  We are so loved.  We are overjoyed - as if it is possible to have too much joy in one's life.  As many times as I think about how our life would have been easier without the twins I also think about how our life is fuller with them.  Our life is full of more happiness, more love and more laughter because of them. I can imagine life without them but I don't want to.  I mean just LOOK at them!

I will say that I count my blessings daily.  I am so incredibly lucky that all of my children are healthy.  I am so blessed that I am in a happy marriage.  I have everything that I need and some things that I don't need but am lucky enough to enjoy anyway.  So, when the days come when I feel like I'm becoming sucked in by the insanity I remind myself of these things.  My problems will pass - each day will end with the possibility of tomorrow being better...not perfect because I don't expect perfection - in fact I'm getting better at imperfection...not getting better at being imperfect but getting better at enjoying it.