Perfecting Imperfection

The past few days have been rough.  Even with me being gone all day Sunday, I feel like I've been listening to whining, crying, cranky kids WAY too much lately.

I need some help.

I'm planning on scouring the internet tomorrow for some sort of reward/behavior program that is REALLY easy to use but REALLY effective.  The thing is . . . I need something that is going to be easy for me to keep up with.  We tried this really neat chart thing with jobs that the kids had to do every day and then they got tokens for the jobs and then they could trade the tokens in for some sort of a reward. . . it lasted about 3 days before they could care less and things were too crazy for me to be able to keep them on track.  It's important that you remember I currently have 2 two year olds in the house.  They wreak havoc every chance they get - at least from the time they wake up until they are back asleep.

I have decided that the only solution for tonight's dilemma of too much whining is to add a little wine to the mix and call it a night . . . I'm hoping to find something inspirational online tomorrow to help with my lack of structure, whining children (ages soon to be 6 and almost 5) and always throwing a tantrum 2 year olds.

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated but I totally understand if you just want to grab a glass and laugh at me from your comfy/quiet computer screen.  :)

So ~ over at Multiples and More they are celebrating their First Blogiversary.  To commemorate the ending of this week long event, they put up a MckLinky for all sites to link up on.  That’s where I found this. Which has inspired me to elaborate on this – the day we found out we were having TWINS!

I think my original post about finding out we were having twins wasn’t a very good one.  Mainly because I wrote it the day AFTER we found out.  The excitement/fun had worn off and I had already started to worry. 

It was the Wednesday before Easter – I remember because I had my Easter Party with my preschool class the day before and had promised to call the school and tell them if I found out the sex of the baby at the ultrasound the next day. 

Jerry wasn’t excited.  He was more annoyed than anything else because he was “skipping” work to come to the ultrasound.  We had set it up so that he would still make it to work in time to have his weekly conference call with one of his higher ups, who knew where he was going and approved it and all, but Jerry likes routine and this was messing with his routine.  It didn’t help that we waited in the waiting room for a good 25 minutes after our scheduled appointment time had come and gone.  My mom had come to sit with the “big” kids and he was nervous we were keeping her from doing something, too. 

When we finally got back there, the ultrasound tech looked at me like I had 6 heads.  She just couldn’t understand why I was coming in at 18 weeks and not a few weeks later.  She sounded very pessimistic about being able to determine the gender.  I explained that the OB said I was measuring a little bit big and that she just wanted to check the size of the baby to make sure everything was ok.  The ultrasound tech didn’t even turn the screen so I could see as she started.  I wasn’t happy at all – I was actually feeling really disappointed.  Then I saw Jerry make a funny face from the bottom of the table.  I felt the ultrasound tech move from one spot to the other.  Jerry turned his head sideways.

“Well, honey, I know why you are measuring big.”  I think I held my breath here – waiting for some horrible news. “You are having twins!”

The next 30 seconds were a blur.  I remember Jerry’s initial reaction perfectly.  “Oh shit.” he said as he kind of crouched down and covered his face with his hands.  Then he rushed over to me…and the roller coaster ride began at the top again.

We learned from that visit that the twins had separate sacs and separate placentas.  Baby B was most likely a boy (she was 75% sure) They were most likely fraternal – not identical, but we were told that didn’t mean they wouldn’t look alike (they look NOTHING alike). 

We spent the next 40 minutes getting measured and measured again – everything looked great.  I remember the lady doing the ultrasound was the mother of twins.  She was showing an intern the “ropes” and that intern was a twin herself!  What are the chances?  We spent the car ride home trying to decide how to tell people.

Telling people was a lot of fun, actually.  We used pretty much the same approach with everyone.  They asked how the ultrasound went…we showed them one set of pictures.  They gushed over them – asking if we knew the sex.  We said no.  Then we would ask them to look up in the corner – they would then say, “Why does it say Baby A?” We would then whip out the second set of pics and say, “Because they are pretty sure that Baby B is a boy.”  This approach made both my parents cry and Jerry’s mom decide she needed a drink!  (she almost NEVER drinks!)

I did tell my brother and sister-in-law over the phone.  My brother-in-law was first and I just blurted it out because he sounded concerned about why I was calling him at work on a Wednesday.  My sister-in-law thought she didn’t hear me right when I said “they couldn’t tell on the first one”.  She said something about that being too bad but we would probably be able to find out next time.  So then I said something about how big Baby A was and that made her pause…and then ask me what the heck I was talking about.

Looking back, this was really a great day!  It was so much fun letting everyone know!  It was so much fun sharing that with other people.  The months that followed were rocky.  We had moments when we were sure we wouldn’t be able to do this.  Moments when we were in awe that there were 2 babies fighting it out in my belly.  Moments when we were scared.  Moments when we were excited.  It’s funny how all of that seems kind of silly now – now that we’ve been doing this for almost 7 months.  I wonder what we worried so much about.  It’s hard to imagine life any different than it is right now.  It’s hard to imagine life before I found out I was having twins.

That was almost a year ago – but I think I will always think about that day around Easter.  We were really celebrating new life that Easter – not only 1 new life, which were were expecting, but a second new life that was an amazing blessing!

This is my second week doing the QOTW over at Multiples and More and this one is an interesting one that I’ve actually come in contact with before.

Do you think parents of multiples are more likely to become divorced? Why or why not?

I’ve been married for a little under 6 years.  I have 4 children under the age of 5.  The youngest 2 are twin boys.  I can’t imagine doing this without my husband.

I bought this book:  Mothering Twins: From Hearing the News to Beyond the Terrible Twos and the topic of mothers and fathers of multiples being in the highest bracket for divorce was brought up.  I know it is stressful – but it is NOT the only (and probably not the main) cause of these families falling apart.

In my honest opinion I think that having multiples . . . No, I KNOW that having multiples causes a lot of stress on a marriage.  However, I think people who make bad decisions and get married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person are much more likely to get divorced than a loving, committed, happy couple who has more than one baby at a time. 

If you get divorced because you have multiples then there was probably something wrong with your marriage in the first place – or their would have been something wrong even without the multiple birth.  I know a lot of people who have not been able to make their first marriages work – none of them have multiples. 

Divorce happens too often in this country and hurts a lot of people when it does.  I make an extra effort to not judge people who are divorced because I don’t think that anyone can fully understand the very personal reasons that it happens.

As far as my relationship with Jerry goes, having multiples has changed it.  I really feel that it has (so far) made us a lot closer and more of a team…on good days.  The problem is that the work NEVER ends.  It is exhausting and I think there are often times when I feel like he isn’t doing enough – and times when he feels like I’m not doing enough. 

We both try very hard not to let those things cause problems between us – it doesn’t always work, but we try.  We have had to become much more verbal with each other in order to not get angry all the time – communication has become so much more important.  You learn fast that you can’t expect the other person to read your mind – there is just too much noise in the house for that to EVER happen.

On the other hand, knowing when to let things go because it isn’t worth getting into a fight about has become equally important.  It is also important to not jump to conclusions and take the time to talk things out or get all of the information.  Like when he taps me on the shoulder at 4 am and tells me it is my turn to go put the binkie back in Dean’s mouth so he will stop crying because he got out of bed and did it last time.  I feel like calling him a liar because I didn’t feel him get out of bed.  I didn’t even hear Dean cry!  I’m exhausted and in a deep deep sleep and he has to wake me up to go put a binkie in that I don’t want to try to find in the dark anymore than he does…Then I realize (when he tells me) that I didn’t hear Dean the two times before (at 1 am and 3 am) because he let me sleep through it!

I guess the one thing I would tell parents who just found out they are having multiples is that it is important to take care of each other, too.  Love your partner and make sure that they know you love them.  Be there for each other and really become a TEAM!  Jerry and I considered ourselves a team from the moment our first “singleton” came into this world.  We grew into a stronger team when our second “singleton” arrived.  We were a little (understatement of the year) nervous when our “multiples” were on their way – but now that they are here we are stronger than ever…not perfect, but still happy and in love with each other.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed upstairs to stick my freezing cold feet under the covers and find Jerry’s warm ones…I might even whisper to him how grateful I am to be on this journey with him by my side!

Thought I'd participate in the question of the week over at Multiples...and More!






Here's the "question":


If you could go back in time (think: Marty McFly) and have a chat with your pregnant self, what would you say?
For this week's question of the week, write a letter to yourself- your newly expecting, have-no-clue-what-you-were-in-for self.

Funny thing is - I didn't find out I was pregnant with multiples until I was 18 weeks pregnant!  Which was a good and bad thing.  Good because it gave me less time to worry - bad because I had less time to get ready!

Here it goes:

Dear Pregnant Janene,

     First of all, relax.  I know that you weren't planning on having another baby - let alone two more - but you will be okay.  In fact, you will be better than okay and so will the babies!  Jerry will be okay, too.  He doesn't hate you...he loves you and he is totally in love with both those little guys you are growing.  Give him time and he will come around.  You married him because he is a wonderful man - which is why he is a little extra stressed.  He's worried about the same things you are and even more.  He loves you all so much he doesn't want to let you down.  He won't let you down!

   You are going "full-term" so don't get all excited when you start feeling those contractions around 35 weeks...you still have a full 3 weeks to go.  Don't worry too much about how Nate and Danika are going to react when you bring the babies home - they are going to LOVE them.  They will truly be the best "big" brother and sister to them.

     You are right to assume you won't get any sleep for the first 3 months or so...but you will sleep again.  It won't be a full night but it will be just enough to keep you sane.  You are going to have your hands full - like you haven't heard that one a million times! - but you are also going to have more reasons to smile and laugh (and cry - both happy and fearful tears).  Remember, you were blessed with these babies for a reason - you CAN handle it.

     Don't stress out about nursing too much either.  You will do great for about 6 weeks - then your body will just quit on you.  6 weeks is great - considering how busy/tired/crazy you are these days.  You can give your babies formula - it will help your sanity...but you will feel guilt about it.  You'll feel guilt when you first quit and then again every once in a while when you realize you will never nurse another baby...but that is something you have to stop doing.  Focus on the NOW and enjoy the NOW - don't be sad about change.  I know that you are making a conscious effort to pay extra close attention to the details because this is your last go around at being pregnant.  Keep doing it - you'll look back fondly at all those memories.

In closing - chill out, Janene.  Enjoy the ride.  It isn't going to slow down and before you know it you will be where I am...mother of 4 - wishing I could go back 6 months to the day those little guys were born!