Perfecting Imperfection

So, the line I've been getting most these days is, "You know, they figured out what causes that..." Really? They figured out what causes pregnancy? No way! Shut the *bleep* up already!!! (Yeah, I don't really swear a whole lot - but these days I feel the itch to let people know I'm serious!)

We had friends over the other day - friends who I love dearly - and even their "well - meaning" remarks made me cry when I rehashed them later that night. It was little comments made when things were kind of stressful with my current kiddos - my kids are 3 and 2...they are learning...they will be better when new baby gets here...I'm sure of it. But in the middle of an all out screaming fit by my son while my daughter is smearing icing all over her face my dear friend looks at me and smiles and says, "Wow, dear, you are really gonna have your hands full!" chuckle chuckle. Really? Having 3 kids ages 4 to newborn is going to be kind of difficult at time? No way! Shut the *bleep* up already!!! (Which of course I didn't say...but really wanted to.)

Then there is the "Better you than me", "Congratulations, I guess.", "You're crazy.", "Did you WANT 3?", "You know they only make 2 kinds and you already have one of each - hope you weren't expecting something different." Really? No way! Shut the *bleep* up already!

I'm sure that both of my other pregnancies were filled with this same wave of panic in the beginning. I'm sure that I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into. I'm sure that I was a little bit sad to end a chapter of my life and nervous about what new changes the new one was going to bring. It's the same right now...with this pregnancy...and I have such a long wait ahead of me to find out the answers.

Part of me is really sad that we are going from 4 to 5 - because 4 is such and even number...and 2 guys and 2 gals is so "balanced" (you can thank my DH for that comment). We are now going to be outnumbered. Someone will always be without a partner on the roller coaster.

Then again, I could be doing all this worry for nothing. I worried about how Danika would change our family dynamics because I wanted to make sure that I gave Nate enough attention when the new baby got here. I was worried he wouldn't feel loved or something. I was also worried that I couldn't love a new baby as much as I loved Nate. They were both silly...and Nate LOVES having a sister and I LOVE both of my kid equally but in unique ways and for unique reasons.

I'm just a little panicked about doing it all over again. I'm more than a little panicked. I'm really panicked. We aren't all going to be able to fit in one car...unless I move Nate to a booster seat - which isn't as safe and makes me nervous. So...we are going to at the very least think about getting a new car. Our house has 3 bedrooms. I know that each child doesn't have to have their own bedroom...but the bedrooms are small. The closets are small. The whole damn house is small. So we are also thinking about a new house, too. Then there is my job. I haven't told them yet. I haven't really had the chance to and I think I may wait a little while...like until after my first doctor's visit. I'm not very good at waiting, though. I'll probably spill the beans tomorrow. I'm that bad - I never waited to tell anyone when I was pregnant.

All that being said - I still have moments when I get excited about all of the things coming up. I am excited about having another baby...I should probably put all of the other stuff into God's hands and trust he'll take care of it, but I'm a control freak...always have been...always will be.

I guess the best I can do right now is enjoy the ride - it is probably the last time I'll be taking it and I will probably remember this one the best...because I kind of know what to expect and I'm not as worried or scared about the same things I was when I was pregnant with Nate. I remember Danika's birth a lot better than I do Nate's...so I'm sure I'll remember this one the best. ;)

Well, I'm gonna go eat something - seems like that's all I want to do these days.

here comes baby #3! :0) I'm nervous...I'm scared to death about how we are going to afford 3 kids...where we are going to put 3 kids...how I'm going to ever get any sleep ever again. But I'm also excited. I'm so excited that I'll get to go to another ultrasound and get to see the little baby growing inside of me. I can't wait to feel the kicks and movements. I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl. I can't wait to see the new baby for the first time...and come up with the perfect name...and introduce him or her to big brother and sister.

So ~ I'm betting my blog is going to get a lot more interesting. :) Stay tuned. :)

Yeah - it's only a couple of days and probably nothing to really worry about at all...but I'm late. I'm not usually late and every time I am late I tend to overreact and get all worked up and only make things worse. I remember one time I actually skipped a month and I went to the doctors because every test I took came back negative...but it just never came. (He told me it was because I was taking the pill then and sometimes you can spot and that will be it - but I don't even remember doing that...oh well.)

I am not on the pill. DH and I have been VERY good about covering our tracks - if you know what I mean. There was this one time this month, though, that we kind of - sort of - well, we were a little irresponsible. So maybe that's on my mind and making me be late - maybe it's a mental thing...does that happen?

As to how I feel about the possibility...I think that's why I haven't run out and bought a test yet. I don't know if I do or don't want to have another baby. I honestly thought we were done...but we talk about it every so often like we might not be...then reality smacks me in the face and I start to think that there is just no way we could have another baby. It's only financially that I worry about...but it's a big worry. How would we afford another baby? We are just getting one out of diapers! I don't worry so much about the next 8 years or so...but when they are all in High School and going to Proms, applying for college and getting added to my car insurance! I want to give my kids everything I my parents gave me. The way things are right now that would be tough.

Then there is the other side...I LOVE babies. I LOVE the excitement of wondering if it's a boy or a girl. I LOVE picking out names, getting things ready, I LOVE wondering what the baby will look like. I also LOVE having a new baby. They are so cute and soft and smell so good. It's amazing to watch them grow. Their first year is such an amazing trip! I would love to go on that journey again - and share it with the children I already have. I really think if I have 3 I will not want more. I will be at peace with that enough to say I'm really done...but then again, who knows.

I've decided that if my appointment doesn't show up by tomorrow after work I'm going to stop for a test to see if it's ever gonna show. I'm not in a big hurry because once I know I can't change it. As much as it's driving me nuts not knowing - it's kind of nice, too. So...either my appointment will show up or I'll know for sure tomorrow evening...I'll keep ya posted.

In a parallel universe somewhere, I am in the shower after a satisfying day at a job I absolutely love, getting ready to hit the town with friends and have a few too many cocktails and some stimulating adult conversation that will not involve bodily functions or talking animals. In that parallel universe, I am getting ready to dance the night away without a single thought about how early I have to wake up tomorrow because tomorrow is SATURDAY and I never wake up before 11 on a Saturday, in that parallel universe, that is. I'm also still smoking and will probably be smoking close to a pack tonight while dancing and drinking - and not worried about it, in that parallel universe, that is - because it's Friday. In a parallel universe, I will probably pass out from too much of everything tonight around 3 am - but it's no big deal, because (like I said) I'll be sleeping in tomorrow.

In reality, I'm sitting in front of my laptop (having not showered today) with no makeup on, my hair (which is in desperate need of a cut and dye) is pulled up in a bun with those wispy pieces that won't stay put flying away all over the place. I'm waiting for my husband to get home so that I can hear him say, "What did you do all day?" when he sees the state of the house - which I DID clean...but that was like 45 minutes ago and the kids have already trashed it again. So, I will probably not talk to him for at least an hour after he makes the comment. After dinner (which is in the oven already), I will let him clean the kitchen while I sit patiently as my 2 children climb all over me crying and screaming because my lap isn't big enough for both of them at once...at least not anymore. Then, I will fight with them to get them to bed. I will eventually collapse into my own bed only to not be able to fall asleep, even though I know that I will have to wake up at some insanely early hour tomorrow to start the whole process over again.

Sound fun? Of course it does! Much more fun than that parallel universe...I mean who wants to still be doing those things in their 30's? Sometimes I do - sometimes I don't...tonight, I do. I will admit that today is one of those days I miss being single and not a mother. I miss having time to myself. I miss being able to think only about myself. I miss not having to worry about anyone else. I miss having money. I miss talking to adults about things other than my kids. I miss staying out, getting drunk and sleeping in late.

Truth is, I will probably never do those things again. I can't imagine a time when I won't worry about my kids. I can't imagine being able to completely relax ever again. Okay...so I'm being a little over dramatic here, but seriously there are so many things to worry about at every age! Right now I worry about them getting hurt by doing something they didn't know they shouldn't do. Things like diving face first of the couch - which my daughter did on Tuesday night.

Once they get into school I'll have a whole new set of worries. Do they understand what they are learning? Are they smart or stupid? Do other kids like them? Do they have friends? Are other kids nice to them? Are they nice to other kids? Do they listen to the teacher? Are they respectful?

I won't even go on to the worries I'll have as they get even older - okay, maybe a few...Are they doing drugs? Are they hanging out with the right crowd? Are they making smart choices when it comes to sex? Are they wearing their seat belt? Is the driver of the car they are in a good driver? Are they a good driver?

I think that I have officially worked myself into a panic attack.

I'm going to have a glass of wine and eat a bag of Hershey Kisses.

Then when my husband gets home I can tell him I drank a glass of wine and ate a bag of Hershey Kisses today...since he is going to ask anyway.

I'm taking it as a sign that I am getting older and my tastes are maturing that I find this man incredibly sexy.
Because, to be completely honest with you, he isn't really my type. I'm more of the Orlando Bloom/Keanu Reeves/(and embarrassingly) David Cook type. I think those are the last 3 big celebrity crushes I've had in the past 4 years. My all time biggest celebrity crush - David Duchovny. It was kind of fueled again by the series Californiacation (which I can't decide if I like because it's entertaining or because Duchovny is always having sex in it) and all the stories about Duchovny going into rehab for a sex addiction and then splitting from his long time wife, Tia. So...now he's avaliable again.

All that being said - those celebrities above (Duchovny being a bit of an exception) are more of "girl" crushes. Where as Daniel Craig...I feel like it's the first celebrity crush I've had that my 14 year-old niece would go, "EW!" but he makes me feel all warm and tingly. I won't lie...it's the Bond movie that did it for me. The scenes when he's wearing his bathing suit...ahhh. The accent, the body, the eyes...yummy.

Where is all this coming from? I don't know. I was just thinking about it after seeing a picture of him this morning. For about 15 seconds I forgot that in reality I'm in my bathrobe, sitting next to my neighbor's sleeping infant, and watching my 3 year-old and her 2 year-old run laps from the livingroom to the kitchen to the dining room...it was nice...while it lasted. Back to reality.

So...notice the time? I'm not sure when I'll be finished with this and have it posted, but I'm starting it at 1:05 am...2 hrs. and 5 mins. AFTER I was suppose to be in bed. I have the perfect person to blame it on, though. My husband - he needs to come to bed so that I can fall asleep. For some reason unknown to me I haven't been able to fall asleep without him in bed for the last 2 years or so...okay, maybe more like 3...ever since Nate was born. Even when he stays out until ridiculous hours thinking he is in college again - and knowing that I'll be the one to get up with the kids in the morning anyway - I can't sleep. Last time it was when I needed to take his Aunt Dee Dee to the airport. I needed to leave the house at 4:45 am to be at his grandmother's for 5:00 am and the airport for 6:00 am. The whole reason that I was taking her instead of him was because he was going drinking with a buddy and would probably be too drunk to drive that early in the morning - the effects of the night before not having worn off yet...little did I know it wasn't the effect of the night before because the night before turned into the morning of and he didn't get home until 3:30 am!

So that this doesn't sound like I'm totally bashing my husband - he did make me breakfast before I left...which was really yummy . . . but I didn't sleep at all before going down to the airport. Which made the whole trip rather surreal. Like I was driving underwater the whole time or something. It didn't help that it was pitch black out. Or that I was driving his truck and not my Escape because my Escape was having 'issues'.

Tonight I am not sleeping because my husband is "stuck" on a certain board on his stupid Lego Star Wars game for Wii...he just quit and is now turning out all the lights because I should follow him like a little puppy who is thrilled her master is home...finally. Oddly enough, that's what I'm going to do. Not because he is beconing, but because I'm damn tired...and I have to work tomorrow. UGH.