Perfecting Imperfection

So - my To-Do list is just getting bigger. I want to get so much done before the twins get here. (I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow!) However, I can't do anything by myself! I can't carry laundry up or down the steps. I can't get on my hands and knees and scrub floors. I can't paint. I can't be on my feet for too long without starting to feel pain. It sucks! Nesting was so much easier when I was only carrying 1 baby. :)

I am starting to get a little more excited and nervous about the reality that we are going to be bringing 2 babies home from the hospital. It was fun to tell everyone we were having twins. It has been a lot of fun watching people's reaction when I tell them I'm due late August/early September...then tell them I'm having twins - I'm HUGE and they just can't believe I'm not due next week! I know it will be fun having visitors dote over the new little ones. I know that there will be a lot of people who want to come visit - help - hold my babies. The reality of it is, though, that at bed time DH and I are going to have to try to swing it on our own. 4 little ones - 2 at midnight feedings...(and probably 9pm and 3am, too!)...I'm fully expecting it to be exhausting for a while. I'm hoping to get a routine in place early. I know that I should start right now with the 2 I have now...and I am trying - but it's so hard in the summer because so much goes on...fireworks, vacations, day trips, staying out late at friends/family. I'm hoping it will all fall into place...but who knows.

I'm also nervous about work - I don't have anything really prepared for a sub...whoever she may be! Plus, Nate starts school this fall. Talk about timing - his first day is Sept. 8th...I'll be 38 weeks (which is when they'll induce me) on Sept. 9th!!! I'm hoping to go a little bit earlier than that - but I know I don't have much say in the matter.

Then there is the to have a c-section or try for a vaginal birth question. Baby A is head down and ready to go - Baby B is breech. So...my options, as given to me by the last OB I saw, are that I can deliver Baby A vaginally and then they can see if Baby B will flip...or they can try flipping him. If he does flip I can deliver him vaginally, too. If he doesn't then I'll have to have a c-section to deliver Baby B. She also said that I could request a c-section because Baby B is breech. She said that we would talk more about it if Baby B stayed breech. Which it is looking like he is going to stay that way. So - there is that whole thing to think about.

With all that - it's no wonder I can't fall asleep at night! Kicking babies aren't helping either! :)

Yesterday was not a great day - it was hot...which really sucked. It was also one of those days where I really really wanted to take a nap. My daughter had completely different plans - so, I didn't get my nap. I was frustrated and agitated with two cranky kids to entertain. So, I decided we would move Danika's bed into Nate's room...just because I needed to do SOMETHING productive.

So, we moved some furniture in and out of Nate's room...I put together Danika's brand new (not really brand new - it's a hand me down from a friend) toddler bed and set it up in Nate's room. Nate's room became Nate and Danika's room - Danika's room is a disaster, but is now closer to being a nursery for the twins than it was yesterday.

They were excited about the new set-up...I was a little nervous. The crib was still set up in case we needed a few hours of sleep and Danika wasn't diggin' the new bed. They did great, though!

Danika did scream her head off for about 10 minutes...it was a tough 10 minutes of me just putting her back into bed and her getting right back out...and me putting her back in...etc. But for some reason after about 10 minutes she just stopped! I don't know why or what did it, but I'm not going to question it. :)

So, after they were both in their beds and not crying it took a little over an hour for them to fall asleep. They talked to each other a little bit...tried to make each other laugh a lot...and finally both fell asleep. During that time I sat in an extremely uncomfortable chair right outside their door reading my book club book, "One Fifth Avenue" by Candace Bushnell. I've been doing this for the past few days with Nate anyway. He use to only fall asleep with the TV on - now he falls asleep without the TV, but I have to sit where he can see me. I'll take it for now - hopefully he'll be able to fall asleep without me there by the time the twins get here. Hopefully, they both will.

I am happy with how things went last night, though. Nate woke up once and Danika woke up once. Danika around 11:30 and Nate around 4:00 am - Jerry put both of them back into their bed and they both fell back asleep. Danika slept until 7 and Nate until 8 this morning. :)

I really needed last night to be a success. I was starting to feel like a failure mom yesterday. I had lost all my patience, was tired, and really had no motivation to deal with my kids. So, yesterday's little "win" left me feeling like I can do this. There will be days where we simply get through the day...then their will be other days/moments where we are doing great! I couldn't stop giving my little ones extra hugs and kisses this morning for making me feel like a better mom than I felt like during the day. :) Thanks kiddos!

The past 2 or 3 days I've been feeling pretty good. I attribute it to a couple different things, but mainly because I've been sleeping better - which, of course, leads to me getting more sleep and being awake and less tired. Anyway - I've been able to do a little housework while feeling better. While I discourage you from doing this...if you wanted to...although I don't know why you would...but you could eat off of almost any surface in my bathroom because it's so clean! :)

I have one problem though - okay, I take that back...I have 2 problems. 1) I don't know what to do with the clothes my kids have outgrown that I just can't bring myself to part with because we really haven't found out what the twins are yet. Part of me says that I should get rid of it all and just get more as I need it because I have SO much stuff. Another part of me thinks that is so stupid...why would I get rid of stuff I have that I will need? 2) My children enjoy destroying anything I clean...for example, I put all the toys in the toy box and they take them out. I put all the winter clothes to store in a box and they throw the clothes around the room - in the 3 minutes it takes me to go downstairs and get a drink and a garbage bag an hour of work is undone.

Other than those 2 issues things are good - and other than the bathroom you can't tell I've cleaned a damn thing. Grr...

I have this wonderful friend who I love dearly who is taking the news that we are having twins similar to the way you would take news that someone has 6 months to live. She is a mother and has a beautiful little boy and an adorable little girl. Her son came first - then her daughter. I started having my children later than she did . . . but caught up really quick. We had talked time and time again about Jerry going to get "snipped" like her DH did. I had pretty much come to accept that we were going to have 2 kids. I was okay with it. I was actually getting use to the idea and I could tell you without hesitation why it was going to be best if we stopped at 2. We (my friend and I) were in total agreement and laughed at those who had more than 2 kids...they clearly didn't know what they were in for when the kids grew up. We were the smart ones - we weren't going to get caught dead in that situation.

Fast forward to now - yeah...as you can imagine we aren't on the same page anymore. I am truly excited about the twins. I have a completely different feeling about it now. Not that all of the reasons I only wanted 2 aren't valid and still true. It's not going to be easy paying to raise 4 children. We aren't going to get to go on the big family vacations - unless we win the lottery or one of us gets a kick ass job. I know that things are going to be rough. We are going to need a lot of help - especially in the beginning. We are going to stress out. We are going to worry. But we are also going to laugh and have wonderful memories. I'm hoping that I can raise 4 wonderful children who will go on to raise their own children and so on and so on. We aren't going to have everything we want...but we will have fun.

Anyway - my friend is still stuck on her 2 is best kick. She hasn't said so - but I know that it's in her head. Now I'm one of the crazies with more than 2 kids...even though they aren't born yet. When I told her twins she told me she was SORRY!!! I'm trying to keep in mind that I am the one that changed - but I'm not sure how to tell her I'm happy about this. I know it will come to it sooner or later. I just don't want her to be upset. Eh - I worry too much. I'm sure it will be fine.