Perfecting Imperfection

Well...of course, I didn't get a chance to post yesterday.  Thursdays I go to work and then the rest of my evening is usually kind of crazy.  Last night, Nate decided to wake up crying and whining about his ears.  He was coughing and telling me he was going to be sick, too.  So...I didn't get online at all.  It happens.

I did think about what I was going to write about yesterday, though.  I had it all planned out when I was taking my shower at 7 am.

Day 4: Something I have to forgive someone for - I kept thinking about the fact that I don't hold grudges.  Life is too short for that.  That isn't to say that there aren't people I don't like or that there aren't people who I avoid as much as possible or that people don't sometimes piss me off. However, I don't mull over things and make myself crazy about their decisions anymore.  I only worry about the things I can control.

A lot of this started with the person I need to forgive for something.  A lot of it started when my grandfather decided he wasn't coming to my wedding.  The funny thing is, I wasn't all that upset he wasn't going to be there.  I really felt that the most important part of the day was that I was going to marry an amazing and loving man - and that was going to happen if my grandfather was there or not.  You know what bothered me about him not showing up at my wedding?  What bothered me about him telling all of us he wasn't coming and telling us why and making a big huge deal out of it like a 4 year-old throwing a tantrum?  It really wasn't that he didn't come, I didn't care...it was that it upset my father so much.  I have always been that way, though...in fact, I am still that way.  I can handle people upsetting me.  I can get over that.  I can't get over people hurting the ones I love.  Come to think of it, every one I really don't like has done something to someone I care about.

Now, I have seen my grandfather.  I have given him hugs and he has held all of my children.  I have celebrated holidays with him and invited him to parties for the kids that he actually has shown up at.  I love my grandfather...but I've never quite forgiven him for hurting my father like that.  He's hurt other people I love, too - but I try to stay out of those things if I can.  I guess the wedding thing bothers me so much because he used a wonderful event in MY life to be bullheaded and stubborn and hurt people I care about.  A lot of people tried to get him to change his mind.  His loss - I know...and I need to just forgive him and get over it.

Now...Day 5: Something I hope to do in my life - I hope to write a book someday.  It's not possible right now.  I just don't have the time to dedicate to it with all the other things I do raising my 4 kiddos.  I don't even know what kind of book I would like to write.  I always thought I would want to write a children's series...I love children's books.  I am sure I could also find enough material to write a parenting book!  hehehe  It doesn't even really matter to me if it is a best seller - but I would love to see my words in a book in Borders!  :)

It's funny that there are really only 2 things I can think of when I read this question because both of them happened when I was a kid.  I've changed SO much and wouldn't do either of these things now...but I did them then and it still bothers me.  Maybe it's because it is so uncharacteristic of me now that I can hardly believe I did them then.  Or maybe it's because my memory has made both events seem so much more of a big deal after years of carrying the guilt I  feel for them around with me.

Wow - that makes it seem like I did something REALLY awful, doesn't it?

They aren't that bad...really.  The problem is that both of the people who I wronged in the situations have passed away - so I can't apologize and laugh about it while they tell me it was no big deal and give me a hug and kiss.

The first one was probably when I was younger than 10...I'm not exactly sure how old I was...but I know that I wasn't older than 10.  I was mad at my Great-Grandmother for something.  Probably something that she told me I couldn't do or couldn't have or needed to do that I didn't want to do.  So, I called her a bitch!  Can you believe it?!?  To top it off, my sister told her what I said and then I lied about it and told her I didn't say it.    I remember that she had a "hurt" look on her face but didn't say anything.  I know that we had a lot of happy times after that before she passed away and lots of hugs and kisses...but for some reason I kept thinking about how I called her a bad name and then lied about it.  I kept thinking about that hurt look on her face.  I've got to forgive myself for that one.

The other time was when I was a little bit older.  I think I was about 15.  I had a Great-Uncle who owned a produce store.  I worked there in the summers.  He was always wonderful to me.  He gave me anything I wanted that he had to give.  He was an amazingly kind and wonderful guy.  However, he always smelled like produce.  It was a strange smell that I almost wish I could smell again but haven't smelled since the last time I saw him - which was when this happened.

My dad had scored us some Penguin tickets and he and I were going to the game together.  I was super excited for so many reasons.  I was going somewhere with just my dad.  I was going to my very first hockey game and I was wearing new clothes I bought just for the game.  My Uncle had stopped by to drop something off and say hello before we left for the game.  I didn't give him a hug and a kiss because I didn't want to smell like produce at the hockey game.  I think he knew.  He passed away in his sleep 2 days later.  I didn't get a chance to give him another hug or kiss.  I also didn't get to go to the hockey game that night because my dad got a call that the tickets he bought were actually fakes!  Ugh.

Okay - so there you have it.  I actually feel a little bit better having admitted both of those to all of the internet.

I learned from both of those events and I know that the fact that I've felt so bad about them for all these years has made me more aware of the things I do.  I don't lie anymore and I show people how much I love them as often as I can!

I'm writing this on Monday night - it's almost Tuesday - because I know that I will have NO time tomorrow to jump on-line and get this post done...

This one wasn't easy - I actually had to think pretty hard about it.  Physically, there aren't too many things I like about myself.  I don't think I'm extraordinarily attractive but am thrilled that my husband still does.

I find it funny that it was SO much easier for me to notice my faults than it is for me to find something I love about myself.

I came up with a few ideas but none that I really thought were what the person who came up with these questions would consider a "correct" answer.

Then it hit me...I am most proud of the fact that I have created (with just a bit of help from a wonderful guy) an amazing "little" family and have been doing a pretty decent job of making sure they are healthy and happy.

My family is my number one priority.  I would do anything for my children if I thought that it would help them and make their lives better.

I also work hard at my marriage - don't let anyone fool you and say that marriage shouldn't be hard work.  LOVE shouldn't be hard work.  I don't have to work to LOVE my husband - I've loved him for over 12 years.  Granted there are times that I want to kick him in the shins or pinch him REALLY HARD on the shoulder, but it would totally be done out of love!

Being happily married, though, is a lot of hard work.  I have to work EVERYDAY to keep our marriage happy.  Jerry works on it EVERYDAY, too.  We work on it because it's worth working on.  It's a priority.  There are some distractions.  There are a lot of things that could get us off track (and sometimes do) - there are a lot of things we have to compromise on and sacrifice.  We are a team, though, and that is how we make it work.

That was my explanation and here is my answer:

Day 2 of 30 Days of Truth - What is Something that You Love about Yourself?

I love that I have my priorities in the right order and that I am doing everything I can to make sure that they stay that way!

(As a side note - I hate saying that I love anything about myself because it totally makes me feel like a narcissist!  GAH!)

For those of you who don't read a lot of blogs or don't blog yourself, that stands for National Blog Posting Month.  The deal is that you post a blog post every day for the month of November.  I did this a while back - when I was blogging at Thoughts of the Mama (the blog I abandoned before starting this one).  I'm not sure I'm up to the commitment this time, though.  I have so much more on my plate these days than I did back then.

I did, however, run across 30 Days of Truth while reading my FeedSquares this morning.  I first saw it via the Crayon Wrangler  who got it from Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy - which is also on my RSS list.  So...I thought maybe I'd give it a try.  I read the questions and there are some really fun ones...and some I'm a little nervous about...but I'm gonna give it a shot.

Here are the questions:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself. 
Day 2: Something you love about yourself. 
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for. 
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for. 
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life. 
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do. 
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for. 
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. 
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. 
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. 
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on. 
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on. 
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) 
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter) 
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. 
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without. 
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. 
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage. 
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? 
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol. 
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. 
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life. 
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today. 
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now? 
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? 
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. 
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Now - I'm not officially doing NaBloPoMo, but I'm still hoping to post every day in November!

So ~ here is Day 1 of my 30 Days of Truth -

Something You Hate About Yourself -

Truth, right?  I hate that I'm not good at keeping in touch with my friends.

I know what you are going to say...it's understandable because I'm so busy with the kids and work and the house but the truth of the matter is that a lot of time I just don't make it enough of a priority and then I get nervous about trying to reconnect.  There are times when the excuse is valid, but often I just put connecting with my friends on the back burner.  I forget because it isn't something that I ever feel like I should spend my time doing when the dishes in the sink need put into the dishwasher and the laundry needs switched.  I find it hard to pick up the phone because the kids are always screaming and when they are finally asleep, I just want to collapse and not think of anything.  I'm not putting enough of an effort into my friends and I've lost a lot of friends because of that...and I hate that about myself.

I'd love to hear what you hate about yourself - make me feel a little better about myself!  hehehe