Wednesday, June 30, 2010

It's been a while...

I haven't written in a while because...well...I really haven't felt like it.  I've been busy with a lot of things and when I finally had time to write I just didn't feel like it.  I don't feel like I have anything new to really talk about...but I do feel better than I did the last time I wrote.  It would be helpful if I had a way to mentally record things to go back to when I do get a moment to sit down at the computer.  I seem to think of the best blog posts when I am doing dishes or feeding a baby or taking a shower.  None of those times are ideal for blogging and by the time I sit down in front of my laptop, the idea is gone.


Aside with coming up with brilliant blog posts to forget, I've also been thinking a lot about my moods.  I really really appreciated all of the support I got from all of you when you read my last post about my doctor visit and all that was involved with that.  I have finally started to feel like I am on a steady incline out of my moodiness instead of that crazy downward spiral I felt like I was plunging into.  I realize something, though...I'm not an optimistic person by nature.  I think I started trying to be more optimistic almost 5 years ago.  I started for a few reasons but mainly because that was when Nate was born.  I felt like I owed it to him to think positive thoughts.  I didn't realize how much I really worked at it until I stopped working at it 2 or 3 months ago.  I'm pretty sure that I mentioned somewhere at some point about the book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.  


My Grandmother actually turned me on to the book and I've also watched the movie.  The book had me convinced that I could make my life better by thinking my life was better and really believing that everything was wonderful.  It makes sense to not dwell on negative.  All the examples about how negativity breeds more negativity rang true when I read it.  It made sense that, if negative breeds negative then positive would breed positive.  It's just not as easy for a born pessimist to pretend to be optimistic all the time.  I can think back on so many instances when my optimism was challenged.  Getting pregnant with Danika when Nate was only 5 months old...my sister suddenly not being able to walk and having back surgery when she was 4 months pregnant with my niece...other family members and friends going through extremely trying times and me grappling with a reason for it and trying to be supportive when I really just wanted to cry right along with them...getting pregnant with the twins ~ finding out there were 2 in there...even though some of those are joyous and easier to find the positive in, it was still a challenge for me to stay optimistic.  I tried, though.  Most of the time I was pretty successful, too.  I can think of a few times when I slipped up and actually laugh a little now about it because I think I was afraid that the universe would see it and would make something bad happen just to prove to me that I needed to keep working to stay optimistic.


When I finally realized that I needed to talk to someone a few weeks ago...when I made that doctor's appointment...it was because I couldn't be optimistic anymore.  I tried.  I tried all the things that had worked in the past.  I was waiting for them to work and they didn't.  I kept thinking that I would snap out of it any second but I didn't.  I couldn't.  I wanted to but just didn't know how.


I feel better now.  Not 100% back to normal but defiantly able to make it through the pessimistic moments much more "together" than before.  So, I'm guessing that the SSRI is working.  It's been 2 weeks and I'm feeling a little hopeful.  Which is good because there was that one day - I swear I just had a hard time finding a reason for EVERYTHING I was doing.  Get dressed - why?  Not like I'm going to leave the house.  Eat something - why?  It's not like I need to gain any more weight.  Get up off the couch - why?  Someone will let me know if they need me...


Let me tell you - that sucked.  


Anyway - I'm feeling better...in case you were wondering.  I'm hoping that the minor side effects (like being exhausted at the worst times of the day) will become less and less of an issue and I'll be back to normal.  I have a doctor's visit scheduled for the end of the month to just see how things are going....


That's all for now because I've neglected my duties long enough....but I feel like writing more soon ~ so who knows when the next installment of a peak into this crazy gal's life will come!