Perfecting Imperfection

Two and a half weeks ago I got up early in the morning and headed down to Forbes Regional Hospital to have a scheduled c-section and meet my twin boys. Everything went as planned and Dean Arthur and David Jerome were born 1 minute apart at 10:30 and 10:31 am. Dean was the first one out and weighed a whooping 8lbs even. David was the second one (which makes him my baby baby) and weighed only 5lbs 15oz. We knew there was going to be a size difference all along - we also knew there was nothing to really be worried about with it.

After getting all "cleaned-up" in the OR, we headed down to the room. I don't remember a lot about the time immediately after they were born. I know my parents and Jerry's mom were all there and found their way down to the room shortly after we got there. I wasn't feeling all that great the first night. Jerry stayed with me, but I had to stay in bed the whole time. I was sore and couldn't feel a whole lot below my waist for a while. The next few days would be much better.

I really really enjoyed my hospital stay. I enjoyed having someone else feed me. I enjoyed having someone else watch the boys while I slept for a few hours. Most of all, though, I enjoyed getting to know my two new sons without anyone else around. I enjoyed being with them and bonding with them while my other children were having the time of their lives with their grandparents. :)

Since coming home things have gotten interesting. My hormones are all out of whack...although they seem to be getting better. My c-section incision isn't healing as fast/easily as I would like it to. I don't sleep much and I am constantly telling my 3 and 2 year-old to stay away from their brothers. Now that Jerry has gone back to work, I'm on my own during the days...and it's a little scary sometimes.

I have to hand it to my husband, though. He really really stepped up when he was off and has continued to do an awesome job helping out with the kids - especially with Nate and Danika at bedtime. I'm soo proud of him and have no doubts that we are going to be just fine.

It's funny but I already have that feeling like I don't remember what life was like before the twins got here. I already feel like they have always been part of our family. I know that it's because they are both such a perfect fit and I am so madly in love with both of them. They really have stolen my heart.

These babies will be my last babies - yes, we are sure and it is final and permanent. I won't be having any more children. It makes me kind of sad - but it also helps me to appreciate this time with my newborns even more. I don't mind the 1 am feedings as much...I don't mind changing 20 diapers a day...I don't mind the little things because once they stop it's over. When I give my 0-3 month clothes away this time I won't be needing them back...I'm okay with it. I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life...but I'm still kind of sad that I won't be making anymore new life. My job now is to make the lives I've already created happy and full of love.

So...I'm having my twins sometime in the next 9 days. I'm not ready. I know this. I don't think there is anything in the world that could happen that would prepare me for what is about to happen. I am scared - but getting so very excited, too!

Today I went for a non-stress test at the hospital. My mom took me (she took me for Swedish Fish Italian Ice at Rita's after, too!) to my OB appointment and then to the NST. Both went well - nothing new to report. While we were having the NST done, there was a newborn baby in the next room crying and crying. I felt awful that the baby was crying so desperately, but the sound did get me excited to see my little ones.

Last night, Jerry and I were watching an episode of Deliver Me and we saw 3 babies being born. I looked at them and thought, "I have 2 of those inside me right now..." It was a really bizarre thought. The one mother had twins who were actually 2 weeks behind where I am right now. So, my babies are probably bigger than hers were!

I am excited - and scared, like I said...but most of all I'm anxious to see what these 2 are going to look like and how they are going to make our family even more blessed. :)

I can't believe it's been a month since I posted a blog post...then again I'm sure that it isn't going to become a more frequent occurrence once the twins make their appearance. I had a doctor appointment yesterday - and a non-stress test. Both were fine, but to tell you the truth I'm miserable. I'm trying very hard to not be...but I am just so sore and achy and not sleeping.

I could probably make a huge checklist of all the ways that this whole pregnant with twins thing stinks...but I'm trying to stay positive and focus on all the wonderful things that are going on. That being said...here's a little checklist of some fuzzy positive things.

1) Jerry use to always get frustrated when I wanted him to put his hand on my belly and feel a baby move and I can't blame him. It seemed like every time he would the baby would stop moving. With the twins, though, he's been able to feel them moving when we are sitting on the love seat together every night. He smiles while putting his hand on my belly and I know he "gets it" now. He has felt little movements, big ones and those creepy, alien ones, too!

2) I know I am having a c-section with these little ones. If I don't go into labor on my own before I'm 38 weeks, then they will perform a scheduled c-section. It's nice to have a goal. I remember with my other pregnancies being so excited to reach my due date...and then realizing that the due date really doesn't mean the baby will be here by then. I do know, however, that the babies will be here (hopefully by September 5th) and that makes all the crap kind of worth it.

3) I also know that this will be the last time I'm pregnant. I can't imagine having 4 kids (but I will) and we have decided not to push our luck any more than we already have! I mean, twins (or more) are a lot more common after you have already had them...so we are done. That being said, I'm trying to enjoy this last month of being pregnant - spending some quiet time alone with my babies in my belly and just taking extra note of what it is like to be alone...but not alone. :)

4) Not everyone gets to have twins. A lot of people romanticize about having them - a lot of people secretly hope for them. I can honestly say the thought never crossed my mind. I wasn't one of those people. I NEVER thought it would happen to us. I NEVER dreamed about it or really really wanted it. It's not that I don't want to have twins...it's just that I know it's going to be a lot of hard work. It's going to be a lot of long nights. It's not something that I ever really thought possible, so I didn't wish for it. It's not something you can really control. Nate and Danika are close in age (and they won't be that much older than the twins!) and they play together - and fight - and I know they don't really know what to do when the other one isn't around. I know the twins will be the same way...I'm excited that they will all have each other to lean on...annoy...and support through all the things that they are going to go through.

5) I'm going to meet my babies soon. It's an amazing thing when you have one baby growing in your belly and then you finally get to meet him/her. I get to meet 2 new babies...and they are mine! I'll get to fuss over how they are different and learn each of their little personalities. I get twice the snuggles and twice the cuddles. :)

All in all, I know how lucky and blessed I am. I know that this is the hardest part I've faced up to this point. I also know that this isn't going to last forever and that I'm going to fall head over heels in love when these babies get here...then all of the aches and pains will be just a memory.

So - my To-Do list is just getting bigger. I want to get so much done before the twins get here. (I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow!) However, I can't do anything by myself! I can't carry laundry up or down the steps. I can't get on my hands and knees and scrub floors. I can't paint. I can't be on my feet for too long without starting to feel pain. It sucks! Nesting was so much easier when I was only carrying 1 baby. :)

I am starting to get a little more excited and nervous about the reality that we are going to be bringing 2 babies home from the hospital. It was fun to tell everyone we were having twins. It has been a lot of fun watching people's reaction when I tell them I'm due late August/early September...then tell them I'm having twins - I'm HUGE and they just can't believe I'm not due next week! I know it will be fun having visitors dote over the new little ones. I know that there will be a lot of people who want to come visit - help - hold my babies. The reality of it is, though, that at bed time DH and I are going to have to try to swing it on our own. 4 little ones - 2 at midnight feedings...(and probably 9pm and 3am, too!)...I'm fully expecting it to be exhausting for a while. I'm hoping to get a routine in place early. I know that I should start right now with the 2 I have now...and I am trying - but it's so hard in the summer because so much goes on...fireworks, vacations, day trips, staying out late at friends/family. I'm hoping it will all fall into place...but who knows.

I'm also nervous about work - I don't have anything really prepared for a sub...whoever she may be! Plus, Nate starts school this fall. Talk about timing - his first day is Sept. 8th...I'll be 38 weeks (which is when they'll induce me) on Sept. 9th!!! I'm hoping to go a little bit earlier than that - but I know I don't have much say in the matter.

Then there is the to have a c-section or try for a vaginal birth question. Baby A is head down and ready to go - Baby B is breech. So...my options, as given to me by the last OB I saw, are that I can deliver Baby A vaginally and then they can see if Baby B will flip...or they can try flipping him. If he does flip I can deliver him vaginally, too. If he doesn't then I'll have to have a c-section to deliver Baby B. She also said that I could request a c-section because Baby B is breech. She said that we would talk more about it if Baby B stayed breech. Which it is looking like he is going to stay that way. So - there is that whole thing to think about.

With all that - it's no wonder I can't fall asleep at night! Kicking babies aren't helping either! :)