I made a mistake last night - I picked up the book my book club read in November and tried to read some more of it. I knew I shouldn't have because I had nightmares when I tried reading it the first time...but the book is like a car accident that you don't want to look at but can't keep your eyes off of. It's insanely depressing and makes me think all kinds of horrible thoughts. Those thoughts make it tough for me to breath (I actually had to tell myself to take slow/steady breaths). I become completely irrational and question everything - especially my existence, the point of everything, why I brought children into the world, etc. In other words, the meaning of life...because the book is basically about death. I have always had a fear of death - I deal with it by not thinking about it. I haven't had to deal with it in years...7 years this February to be exact. That was the last time someone I loved passed away. I dealt with it okay because there was the "at least she isn't suffering anymore" aspect of it. It wasn't sudden and I had time to prepare for it. I still went through all the stages you go through when you are grieving and it still hurt. I was busy, though - and probably didn't deal with it the way I should have at the time. I have no peace when it comes to death - I do believe in an afterlife, but I don't think about it because it creates panic in me and not peace. I know that this is because I LOVE my life and don't want it to change. I know it's because I can't imagine not having those I love around me.
Anyway - so this book, "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion - talks about how she deals with the sudden passing of her husband and an ailing daughter. In her defense, she doesn't write in a way that is meant to depress you. She just doesn't sugar coat anything and really does give you a feel for what she went through. The general consensus at my book club was that it was too personal. You almost felt like you were intruding and seeing something you shouldn't. That's all true...it's extremely personal. Maybe that is why I can't finish it...I actually can't get past Chapter 5. She is an excellent writer and writes in a way that makes you feel what she feels - unfortunately, it isn't a way that I want to feel. I know I shouldn't try to read it again - but I probably will. I just don't like that it makes me feel so irrational.
When Joan discusses the things that she remembers about her husband, when she discusses how she goes over the events of his death again and again, when she talks about having the feeling that he will come back - that, even though she has publicly accepted it, she just cannot comprehend that he isn't coming back, when she talks about all of the things you have to deal with immediately after and then in the next month or 6 months or year, I just feel a tightness in my chest. It's because I know - I know that there is a possibility that some day I will have to deal with those same things. There is a chance that I will be in her position and be going through the things of a loved one deciding what to do with it all. I haven't lost a lot of people, yet. I have lost some - but I am blessed to still have so many family members in my life and those that I have lost I haven't had to do anything for. I was able to just focus on my feelings...I didn't have to make any decisions.
I pray that I don't have to deal with it any time soon - but I know it's coming. I think that's why I had to remind myself to calm down. It's easy for me to get caught up in the - every day is a day closer to all of these terrible things happening. It's a day closer to when I lose someone I love. It's a day closer to when I leave those that I love. It's a day closer to all of the things I dread coming to fruition. It's a good thing I have 4 beautiful children to distract me - it's a good thing that I have things to look forward to as well as dread. It's a good thing I'm busy. I know that sounds all gloom and doom and dramatic, etc. but I think that I've come up with a way to help me deal with it...and it's not that complicated. I am going to start writing down things to look forward to! I'm going to try to focus on being one day closer to something wonderful rather than one day closer to something awful. Maybe that's the point. Live looking forward to the good that is coming instead of dreading the inevitable.
Here's to hoping this post is one of a kind - and to starting my list! I'll share it when I get a chance...maybe the first thing to look forward to is getting a good night's sleep! :)
Anyway - so this book, "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion - talks about how she deals with the sudden passing of her husband and an ailing daughter. In her defense, she doesn't write in a way that is meant to depress you. She just doesn't sugar coat anything and really does give you a feel for what she went through. The general consensus at my book club was that it was too personal. You almost felt like you were intruding and seeing something you shouldn't. That's all true...it's extremely personal. Maybe that is why I can't finish it...I actually can't get past Chapter 5. She is an excellent writer and writes in a way that makes you feel what she feels - unfortunately, it isn't a way that I want to feel. I know I shouldn't try to read it again - but I probably will. I just don't like that it makes me feel so irrational.
When Joan discusses the things that she remembers about her husband, when she discusses how she goes over the events of his death again and again, when she talks about having the feeling that he will come back - that, even though she has publicly accepted it, she just cannot comprehend that he isn't coming back, when she talks about all of the things you have to deal with immediately after and then in the next month or 6 months or year, I just feel a tightness in my chest. It's because I know - I know that there is a possibility that some day I will have to deal with those same things. There is a chance that I will be in her position and be going through the things of a loved one deciding what to do with it all. I haven't lost a lot of people, yet. I have lost some - but I am blessed to still have so many family members in my life and those that I have lost I haven't had to do anything for. I was able to just focus on my feelings...I didn't have to make any decisions.
I pray that I don't have to deal with it any time soon - but I know it's coming. I think that's why I had to remind myself to calm down. It's easy for me to get caught up in the - every day is a day closer to all of these terrible things happening. It's a day closer to when I lose someone I love. It's a day closer to when I leave those that I love. It's a day closer to all of the things I dread coming to fruition. It's a good thing I have 4 beautiful children to distract me - it's a good thing that I have things to look forward to as well as dread. It's a good thing I'm busy. I know that sounds all gloom and doom and dramatic, etc. but I think that I've come up with a way to help me deal with it...and it's not that complicated. I am going to start writing down things to look forward to! I'm going to try to focus on being one day closer to something wonderful rather than one day closer to something awful. Maybe that's the point. Live looking forward to the good that is coming instead of dreading the inevitable.
Here's to hoping this post is one of a kind - and to starting my list! I'll share it when I get a chance...maybe the first thing to look forward to is getting a good night's sleep! :)
What a week I had - I missed being home sooo much this week and when I was home I had work things to "deal" with so I couldn't enjoy being home as much as I did the week before. Plus, for some reason no one wants to sleep around here - except for me and Jerry...but apparently we don't get much of a say in the matter. I'm so glad that I am able to drink coffee again - I NEED it every morning. :)
I did make it to church last week and am looking forward to going again this weekend. I figure they should have the snow pretty much under control and cleared up by then...it's suppose to stop tomorrow morning, last I heard. Make me nervous that Jerry had to go into work today...all the schools are closed and the roads don't look like they've been touched, yet. I don't think it's still snowing, but it's hard to tell. Plus, my dad and sister are in Cleveland! She had an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic - so they spent the night last night and are going to a follow up from the tests she took yesterday. They are planning on coming back tonight but we'll see.
I finished my book club book last night. It was "The Secret life of CeeCee Wilkes" by Diane Chamberlain. It was pretty good. I looked forward to cuddling up with it at night before Jerry would come up to bed. I like having a book to read...so I'm going to have to go up and pick one that's up on my shelf. I started reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura - but I think I need some really mindless fiction to keep my interest. I got a bunch of Nora Roberts books at the New Ken Library used book sale over the summer - maybe I'll pick up one of those. I'll keep you posted. hehehe
Next week, I have school on Tuesday but not on Thursday...I'm looking forward to that - even though I just got back from having time off. The next week we have conferences - I'll have a sub in my room while I talk to parents. Then the following week I'll have to go for evening conferences on Wednesday...it's the same week as book club, which I haven't pointed out to Jerry, yet - because that means that he will be home alone with the kiddos 2 nights that week!
Well - off to get something done...who knows what...one thing is for sure, we are "snowbound" today!
I did make it to church last week and am looking forward to going again this weekend. I figure they should have the snow pretty much under control and cleared up by then...it's suppose to stop tomorrow morning, last I heard. Make me nervous that Jerry had to go into work today...all the schools are closed and the roads don't look like they've been touched, yet. I don't think it's still snowing, but it's hard to tell. Plus, my dad and sister are in Cleveland! She had an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic - so they spent the night last night and are going to a follow up from the tests she took yesterday. They are planning on coming back tonight but we'll see.
I finished my book club book last night. It was "The Secret life of CeeCee Wilkes" by Diane Chamberlain. It was pretty good. I looked forward to cuddling up with it at night before Jerry would come up to bed. I like having a book to read...so I'm going to have to go up and pick one that's up on my shelf. I started reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura - but I think I need some really mindless fiction to keep my interest. I got a bunch of Nora Roberts books at the New Ken Library used book sale over the summer - maybe I'll pick up one of those. I'll keep you posted. hehehe
Next week, I have school on Tuesday but not on Thursday...I'm looking forward to that - even though I just got back from having time off. The next week we have conferences - I'll have a sub in my room while I talk to parents. Then the following week I'll have to go for evening conferences on Wednesday...it's the same week as book club, which I haven't pointed out to Jerry, yet - because that means that he will be home alone with the kiddos 2 nights that week!
Well - off to get something done...who knows what...one thing is for sure, we are "snowbound" today!
Funny thing about this new year - I feel different. I didn't really make any New Years resolutions . . . well, that's not entirely true. My New Years resolution is to get my butt back to church. I've kind of accepted the fact that I'm not going to be able to take all 4 of my kids to church and keep my sanity. I'm going to have to leave some of them with DH and we are going to have to go at different times. Which is OK...because the main reason I stopped going to church was because I dreaded getting everyone up and ready in time...plus making sure I had all of the "necessary" items like drinks, snacks, books, etc. to keep the kiddos busy. I miss church - I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow.
All that being said, I feel different because I haven't stopped doing things around my house. I've been a lot less frustrated because I'm keeping busy. I have so much to do and really hope that I will be able to find a way to get organized soon. I have kind of made a promise to myself, though. I've promised that I will start to take a little more time for myself. I go to a book club, which meets the last Monday of the month. I also get together with some mommy friends once a month...which has been WONDERFUL!!! But I'm talking about some time everyday. I'm going to blog more - and not write for an audience...I'm going to write for myself. I know I have a small audience (Hi Lee! hehehe) and I'm sorry if I bore you to tears. I won't be offended if you stop reading after hearing story after story of my not-so-exciting life. However, I need to write for me. I am not even remotely close to being as social as I use to be. I don't talk to as many people as I once did...I LOVE facebook because it keeps me in touch with people I normally wouldn't be in touch with, but I don't talk to people anymore. It's going to sound strange, I'm sure, but my blog is going to be like that best friend who listens and doesn't have much to say...just listens.
We have a busy month ahead of us - and a busy year, too!
Danika will turn 3 this month. I'm soooo hoping that means the terrible 2s are over! I wish it were a switch so that when she turned 3 she would just stop being loud and whining all the time. I'm not holding my breath but you better believe I would be counting down the days if that were true.
All 4 children have appointments to see their peditrician - and no one is even sick! Nate goes first, then the twins, then Danika at the end of the month. The twins are the only ones getting vaccinations, but I dread all 3 visits. Danika will probably scream her head off the whole time and Nate...well, we'll see how he does.
I am looking forward to watching the twins get bigger...rice cereal and first fruits/veggies. I have a lot of big plans for getting myself back on track and starting to get things closer to feeling "normal" - even though I know there is no such thing as "normal". A woman I work with (who I greatly admire) told me that she once heard a saying, "The people you think are 'normal' are the people you don't know very well." It's so true. I am looking forward to regular bedtimes and dinnertimes and bath nights. I am looking forward to feeling better and doing more. I'm looking forward to the big spring cleaning that I'm going to be doing...I'm sooo purging my life of junk I don't need. I'm looking forward to losing a few pounds and fitting into my skinny jeans again - someday. I'm looking forward to my tax return (a perk of having 4 children!). I'm looking forward to helping babies learn to sit up, crawl and then maybe even walk this year! I'm looking forward to first birthdays and 2 out of 4 in preschool! I'm looking forward to a vacation - and Michael Buble!!!! I'm also looking forward to next Christmas - when I'm hoping to see this kind of excitement and awe again!
Happy New Year!
All that being said, I feel different because I haven't stopped doing things around my house. I've been a lot less frustrated because I'm keeping busy. I have so much to do and really hope that I will be able to find a way to get organized soon. I have kind of made a promise to myself, though. I've promised that I will start to take a little more time for myself. I go to a book club, which meets the last Monday of the month. I also get together with some mommy friends once a month...which has been WONDERFUL!!! But I'm talking about some time everyday. I'm going to blog more - and not write for an audience...I'm going to write for myself. I know I have a small audience (Hi Lee! hehehe) and I'm sorry if I bore you to tears. I won't be offended if you stop reading after hearing story after story of my not-so-exciting life. However, I need to write for me. I am not even remotely close to being as social as I use to be. I don't talk to as many people as I once did...I LOVE facebook because it keeps me in touch with people I normally wouldn't be in touch with, but I don't talk to people anymore. It's going to sound strange, I'm sure, but my blog is going to be like that best friend who listens and doesn't have much to say...just listens.
We have a busy month ahead of us - and a busy year, too!
Danika will turn 3 this month. I'm soooo hoping that means the terrible 2s are over! I wish it were a switch so that when she turned 3 she would just stop being loud and whining all the time. I'm not holding my breath but you better believe I would be counting down the days if that were true.
All 4 children have appointments to see their peditrician - and no one is even sick! Nate goes first, then the twins, then Danika at the end of the month. The twins are the only ones getting vaccinations, but I dread all 3 visits. Danika will probably scream her head off the whole time and Nate...well, we'll see how he does.
I am looking forward to watching the twins get bigger...rice cereal and first fruits/veggies. I have a lot of big plans for getting myself back on track and starting to get things closer to feeling "normal" - even though I know there is no such thing as "normal". A woman I work with (who I greatly admire) told me that she once heard a saying, "The people you think are 'normal' are the people you don't know very well." It's so true. I am looking forward to regular bedtimes and dinnertimes and bath nights. I am looking forward to feeling better and doing more. I'm looking forward to the big spring cleaning that I'm going to be doing...I'm sooo purging my life of junk I don't need. I'm looking forward to losing a few pounds and fitting into my skinny jeans again - someday. I'm looking forward to my tax return (a perk of having 4 children!). I'm looking forward to helping babies learn to sit up, crawl and then maybe even walk this year! I'm looking forward to first birthdays and 2 out of 4 in preschool! I'm looking forward to a vacation - and Michael Buble!!!! I'm also looking forward to next Christmas - when I'm hoping to see this kind of excitement and awe again!
Happy New Year!
