Perfecting Imperfection

Jerry and I talked a lot about having a third baby before we were surprised with a pregnancy that gave us #3 and #4!  One of the things we talked about was pushing our luck.  We were worried that having more babies would be pushing our luck because the two we had were (and still are) healthy and happy.  They were, for the most part, pretty easy babies and we had them right where we wanted them before I became pregnant again.  Of course, I now know that having them right where you want them only lasts for a very short period of time anyway - so, enjoy it when it happens!

The more I think about the fact that we even considered that we were pushing our luck by having more babies, the more I feel kind of selfish.  However, I totally think that pregnancy #3 gave us the one we are going to have trouble with!

Let me start by saying the D-Listed Blog Party ROCKS!!!

I solemnly swear, with all my heart, that I will visit each blog that came and visited mine...eventually.  :)  All of you who commented that you don't know how I do it - eh, sometimes it takes me longer but I eventually get the job done!

I had a wonderful moment tonight.  A moment where I was able to just enjoy what I was doing - of course at first the 100 things I have to do (finish book club book, visit blogs, do dinner dishes, finish laundry, watch Glee, look at school stuff, fix my BlackBerry, etc.) were running through my head...then I started thinking about the 100 other things I wanted to do tomorrow (clean cobwebs out of corner of kitchen, write some emails, more laundry, finish bedrooms, wash sheets, what's for dinner?).   Then I just stopped.  I actually kinda, almost cried.  Finally, I closed my eyes and took it all in.

Here is my Baby Baby -


He is not a snuggler.  He is lovable and adorable but he just doesn't snuggle.  He's too busy to snuggle.  He's always on the move and when he's tired he just can't seem to get comfortable until you put him in his crib...except for tonight.  Tonight, he actually cried when I put him down!  So, I picked him back up and rocked him a little bit...and he snuggled with me.  My non-snuggler wanted to snuggle with me.  I had a hard time, at first, relaxing.  Then, I started thinking about how very soon he will be like this....


Too big to hold in my arms so easily...too big to rock to sleep.  My twins are the perfect size right now...they will be for a while.  I don't remember a whole lot about Nate and Danika at this age . . . I remember being tired.  I remember rushing it.  I remember thinking, "Oh, it will be so great when they can talk and tell me what they want or what is wrong."  I remember thinking, "Man, I can't wait until they can walk on their own and I don't have to carry them everywhere"  I remember thinking, "Gah!  I just wish they could play by themselves for an hour so I could get something done".

Not this time, though - this time around I'm trying to hold on to every last second I can...I'm trying to suck it in...I'm trying to make sure it's seared into my memory.  I don't want to forget what it's like to hold my baby close to me and snuggle him while he drifts off to sleep.  I want to remember what that feels like.

Which is why I took 30 full minutes out of my evening and did nothing but snuggle my non-snuggler.  I held him a little tighter than I usually would and willed myself to remember that exact feeling....that exact moment.

I'm going to really enjoy this summer.  This summer is the last summer I will have babies..,.next summer I will have toddlers...I plan on stopping and smelling a lot more "roses" than I have before - I don't want to miss a minute...it's already going too fast!

It’s nothing personal, but you probably won’t be seeing a lot of me this week.  I will miss you – I will try to check in…but I have a super busy week this week and it’s going to be hard enough for me to keep up with my kiddos and get everything done I need to get done, let alone trying to sneak a blog post in here or there.  :)  I should be able to check in once or twice…in fact, I actually wrote out a mini To-Do list for the week and I “penciled” blogging in again on Thursday…(but I’m not much of a schedule person – so we will see).

In the meantime – here’s what’s new:

The boys have graduated from eating in Bumbos to highchairs:

They are actually pretty happy about it, too!

 

I’ve been FLYing again – and my book Sink Reflections came from Paperback Swap today!

Finally ~ if you’ve been following me on Twitter you may have seen this…he IS sleeping.  I don’t know what it is about that bouncing thing, but they both fall soundly asleep in it at least once a day.

 

While I love the prompt over at Cop Mama's, I had something else in mind for my Mama Guilt post today...

I am part of a group of women that get together once a month and just talk...and eat...and laugh.  We don't really have a name, but we have been getting together for about 6 or 7 months.  I've missed at least 1 get together - and it really bothered me because I look forward to that time out with other moms.

Anyway ~ there are all kinds of moms in our group.  Moms with one child, moms with 4 (hehehe), moms with all girls, moms with all boys, moms with a mix of both, moms who work and moms who are lucky enough to stay home.  It's funny how we all "need" our group for different reasons...I need the group to get a break from the kids and hang out with adults for a while.  I really enjoy their company and it makes me feel like someone other than "Mommy" for a few hours. 

A lot of the "first-time Moms" use the group as a place to get answers and help with that "am I doing it right" feeling.  This is where this week's Mama Guilt comes in...I'm just not as worried about the twins as I was Nate or Danika and that makes me worry I'll miss something.

I may have to backtrack a bit for this to make sense...

A few weeks ago, my mom was putting David on the carpet and asked me if I wanted her to put a blanket down first.  My reply?  "He's my 4th child...not my 1st, mom.  He's fine."  I guess I said it to be funny, but really I feel a little guilty about it now. 

Am I giving him the same about of attention I gave Nate?  No...because I can't.  Not only because he has Nate and Danika ahead of him, but because he also has a twin brother.  The twins don't get as much attention as I gave Nate or Danika.  I know it's not like I'm neglecting them.  I just wonder if I'm not seeing something.

With Nate, I knew every milestone.  I knew when he should be sitting unsupported.  I knew what kind of "talking" he should be doing.  I introduced his food in a certain order and fed him the same things for a certain period of time before switching to something else.  I kept him on a blanket on the floor.  I gave him a bath every other night without fail.  I always made sure he couldn't reach anything that he shouldn't have.

The twins are so different that I think I'm confusing their milestones...David just started crawling (as in this afternoon) but won't sit up.  Dean started sitting up but won't even roll over when we put him on the floor.  They both make all kinds of noises - but are they enough or the right ones?  They eat whatever I blended up and froze or whatever is in the cupboard.  I almost never put a blanket on the floor - they won't stay on it anyway.  They get a bath once a week - more if they NEED it but only once if not.  Today, David came millimeters away from sucking on a beer bottle because I was trying to keep Dean happy while Jerry ran in the kitchen to make a bottle and (as I mentioned) David recently started crawling. 

It's not that I'm not worried about them - I am...I want them to be okay...I want them to grow and develop the way they are suppose to...it's just...well, with all of the other stuff going on I'm usually just happy if they are happy.  I feel guilty about that because I'm afraid that not being so worried all the time...so cautious...means that I'm not being as good a mom to them as I was to Nate, when I only had 1 baby - and they deserve a mommy as worried as I was then.

This whole thing kind of started 2 days ago because Dean has been breathing funny.  My gut tells me it's probably nothing.  It's this...well, you know how you have to try to catch your breath after you cry really really hard?  That gasping, I guess?  Well he was doing that...in his sleep...and then for about 10 minutes after he woke up.  No crying, though.  He didn't cry before, during or after.  It did go away - and it wasn't constant...but I have this nagging feeling that I wrote it off too quickly.  He had an inhaler because of bronchitis about 3 months ago (I don't think he really had bronchitis, to be honest).  Could it be some side effect from that?  Could it be asthma?  How do I know?  I decided that if it happens again I will call the doctor - but is that the right thing to do?  If it were Nate when he was 7 months old would I have called before it stopped - in that first 10 minutes?

As I've said before, I'm not perfect and I hate these feeling of not knowing what to do...I hate being the one "in-charge" sometimes...I wish someone would just tell me what to do and I'll do it - guilt free.

If you are here for the party – my UBP post can be found – here!

While browsing blogs over at SITS Saturday Sharefest, I came across It’s a Mummy’s Life and her Little Film Club.  My first thought was that I had finally found something to make me use my Flip Video camera – which is turning out to be a nightmare when I want to get the videos off the Flip and on to anything else…it takes FOREVER to convert them, upload them, etc…I have a feeling I’m doing something wrong – but anyway, I digress (because I’m really really good at it!).

So – the prompt I decided to follow was How to…basically, because that’s the question I get most often.  “How do you do it?”  While I do a lot of things every day, feeding the twins their “solid” food is one that I’m actually getting pretty good at.  Here, have a look at my Little Film Club video and see for yourself!

Now – if you would like to play along head on over to It’s a Mummy’s Life and link up on the MckLinky.  Leave me a comment, too, so I can make sure and stop by and see what you came up with! 

 

So ~ over at Multiples and More they are celebrating their First Blogiversary.  To commemorate the ending of this week long event, they put up a MckLinky for all sites to link up on.  That’s where I found this. Which has inspired me to elaborate on this – the day we found out we were having TWINS!

I think my original post about finding out we were having twins wasn’t a very good one.  Mainly because I wrote it the day AFTER we found out.  The excitement/fun had worn off and I had already started to worry. 

It was the Wednesday before Easter – I remember because I had my Easter Party with my preschool class the day before and had promised to call the school and tell them if I found out the sex of the baby at the ultrasound the next day. 

Jerry wasn’t excited.  He was more annoyed than anything else because he was “skipping” work to come to the ultrasound.  We had set it up so that he would still make it to work in time to have his weekly conference call with one of his higher ups, who knew where he was going and approved it and all, but Jerry likes routine and this was messing with his routine.  It didn’t help that we waited in the waiting room for a good 25 minutes after our scheduled appointment time had come and gone.  My mom had come to sit with the “big” kids and he was nervous we were keeping her from doing something, too. 

When we finally got back there, the ultrasound tech looked at me like I had 6 heads.  She just couldn’t understand why I was coming in at 18 weeks and not a few weeks later.  She sounded very pessimistic about being able to determine the gender.  I explained that the OB said I was measuring a little bit big and that she just wanted to check the size of the baby to make sure everything was ok.  The ultrasound tech didn’t even turn the screen so I could see as she started.  I wasn’t happy at all – I was actually feeling really disappointed.  Then I saw Jerry make a funny face from the bottom of the table.  I felt the ultrasound tech move from one spot to the other.  Jerry turned his head sideways.

“Well, honey, I know why you are measuring big.”  I think I held my breath here – waiting for some horrible news. “You are having twins!”

The next 30 seconds were a blur.  I remember Jerry’s initial reaction perfectly.  “Oh shit.” he said as he kind of crouched down and covered his face with his hands.  Then he rushed over to me…and the roller coaster ride began at the top again.

We learned from that visit that the twins had separate sacs and separate placentas.  Baby B was most likely a boy (she was 75% sure) They were most likely fraternal – not identical, but we were told that didn’t mean they wouldn’t look alike (they look NOTHING alike). 

We spent the next 40 minutes getting measured and measured again – everything looked great.  I remember the lady doing the ultrasound was the mother of twins.  She was showing an intern the “ropes” and that intern was a twin herself!  What are the chances?  We spent the car ride home trying to decide how to tell people.

Telling people was a lot of fun, actually.  We used pretty much the same approach with everyone.  They asked how the ultrasound went…we showed them one set of pictures.  They gushed over them – asking if we knew the sex.  We said no.  Then we would ask them to look up in the corner – they would then say, “Why does it say Baby A?” We would then whip out the second set of pics and say, “Because they are pretty sure that Baby B is a boy.”  This approach made both my parents cry and Jerry’s mom decide she needed a drink!  (she almost NEVER drinks!)

I did tell my brother and sister-in-law over the phone.  My brother-in-law was first and I just blurted it out because he sounded concerned about why I was calling him at work on a Wednesday.  My sister-in-law thought she didn’t hear me right when I said “they couldn’t tell on the first one”.  She said something about that being too bad but we would probably be able to find out next time.  So then I said something about how big Baby A was and that made her pause…and then ask me what the heck I was talking about.

Looking back, this was really a great day!  It was so much fun letting everyone know!  It was so much fun sharing that with other people.  The months that followed were rocky.  We had moments when we were sure we wouldn’t be able to do this.  Moments when we were in awe that there were 2 babies fighting it out in my belly.  Moments when we were scared.  Moments when we were excited.  It’s funny how all of that seems kind of silly now – now that we’ve been doing this for almost 7 months.  I wonder what we worried so much about.  It’s hard to imagine life any different than it is right now.  It’s hard to imagine life before I found out I was having twins.

That was almost a year ago – but I think I will always think about that day around Easter.  We were really celebrating new life that Easter – not only 1 new life, which were were expecting, but a second new life that was an amazing blessing!

I’m exhausted.  Actually, I’m beyond exhausted…what would that be?  Hmm..

Anyway – I’m sure you can tell by the title of this post that the babies haven’t been sleeping any better.  In fact, the culprit has a new name, “He-who-woke-EVERYONE-up-at-1:53am”.  Yep, it was him – again.

He woke this one up first:

Then together they woke these two:

The only reason I didn’t spend the entire day in a complete and total daze is because I fell asleep at 8:45 pm last night.  I was helping Danika fall asleep and ended up drifting off myself . . . and . . . well . . . just went to bed!  I don’t even feel the slightest bit guilty about it – I am kind of bummed that my DVR has shows on it that I want to watch, but they will be there Friday (which is the next time I’ll be able to watch TV – Go Pens!)

So, when the entire house was awake at 1:53 am I was a little bit more rested than I usually am at 1:53 am.  Still – I’m ready for bed.

My main reason for hopping on to do a post at all today was because the twins had their 6 month visit today.  Apparently, they are doing great.  They are both growing nicely…there is still a 4 lb. difference between the two – David is 16 lbs. 4 oz. and Dean is 19 lbs. 14 oz. – and there is a few inches in their height, too!  David is 27 1/4 inches and Dean is 29 1/4 inches.  According to the doctor, Dean is “off the charts” for his height.  I’m surprised he isn’t off the charts for weight – but maybe it’s just because he’s so tall that he looks so big. 

They got two shots today – and are now sleeping soundly…which I am headed up to do now – because I have a feeling they aren’t going to stay asleep all night.

Thought I'd participate in the question of the week over at Multiples...and More!






Here's the "question":


If you could go back in time (think: Marty McFly) and have a chat with your pregnant self, what would you say?
For this week's question of the week, write a letter to yourself- your newly expecting, have-no-clue-what-you-were-in-for self.

Funny thing is - I didn't find out I was pregnant with multiples until I was 18 weeks pregnant!  Which was a good and bad thing.  Good because it gave me less time to worry - bad because I had less time to get ready!

Here it goes:

Dear Pregnant Janene,

     First of all, relax.  I know that you weren't planning on having another baby - let alone two more - but you will be okay.  In fact, you will be better than okay and so will the babies!  Jerry will be okay, too.  He doesn't hate you...he loves you and he is totally in love with both those little guys you are growing.  Give him time and he will come around.  You married him because he is a wonderful man - which is why he is a little extra stressed.  He's worried about the same things you are and even more.  He loves you all so much he doesn't want to let you down.  He won't let you down!

   You are going "full-term" so don't get all excited when you start feeling those contractions around 35 weeks...you still have a full 3 weeks to go.  Don't worry too much about how Nate and Danika are going to react when you bring the babies home - they are going to LOVE them.  They will truly be the best "big" brother and sister to them.

     You are right to assume you won't get any sleep for the first 3 months or so...but you will sleep again.  It won't be a full night but it will be just enough to keep you sane.  You are going to have your hands full - like you haven't heard that one a million times! - but you are also going to have more reasons to smile and laugh (and cry - both happy and fearful tears).  Remember, you were blessed with these babies for a reason - you CAN handle it.

     Don't stress out about nursing too much either.  You will do great for about 6 weeks - then your body will just quit on you.  6 weeks is great - considering how busy/tired/crazy you are these days.  You can give your babies formula - it will help your sanity...but you will feel guilt about it.  You'll feel guilt when you first quit and then again every once in a while when you realize you will never nurse another baby...but that is something you have to stop doing.  Focus on the NOW and enjoy the NOW - don't be sad about change.  I know that you are making a conscious effort to pay extra close attention to the details because this is your last go around at being pregnant.  Keep doing it - you'll look back fondly at all those memories.

In closing - chill out, Janene.  Enjoy the ride.  It isn't going to slow down and before you know it you will be where I am...mother of 4 - wishing I could go back 6 months to the day those little guys were born!

Don't you just love saying that? Nom . . . Nom . . . Nom . . . you can't help but smile after you finish the third Nom...but I digress.


These are why I'm posting today:


My babies are officially eating baby food - HOMEMADE (okay...blended from frozen) BABY FOOD!

While I'm adding pictures...you might as well look at these, too.





Adorable? You betcha!

I've been thinking a lot about my blog title - Perfecting Imperfection.  At first, I chose it because I thought it was witty and kind of cute...now I'm seeing more and more how it's also a very good fit.  I am not perfect.  I've never claimed to be and I'm certainly not going to start right now.  Actually, I find it easy to admit I was wrong and just move on more and more these days because my priorities have shifted greatly and I don't have time to worry about being right anymore.  My new priorities are the most important I've ever had in my life - they are my precious children and they are really all that matter...along with DH, of course...and the rest of my family.  :)

Anyway, as I was saying, I am not perfect.  I have accepted the fact that I will always have debt, dirty laundry to do and 10-15lbs or more that I could lose.  I will always be at least a little tired and more often than not will have roots that need dyed.  My house will not always be neat and orderly.  In fact, it will probably look like a tornado went through it most days and even some nights (when I'm too exhausted to put it back together before going to bed).  Some nights I will order pizza for dinner and some days we will not get out of our pajamas ALL DAY LONG!  I will probably forget some birthdays that I meant to remember (I am so horrible with this) and be looking for something that I lost a week ago and still haven't found.  I am not organized.  I do not have it together.

I often hear the comment, "You really have your hands full, don't you?"

I always lie and tell people, "It's not that bad."

I guess it's not a complete and total lie.  It can be bad - if I let it get to me.  If I sit and think about all the ways my life isn't "perfect" or even "almost perfect", I will most certainly have some kind of a breakdown.  Those days do happen.  I have days where I think about how much easier life would have been if we would only have Nate...or would have stopped after Danika.  We are so outnumbered.  We are overwhelmed.  We are on the verge of insanity some days...

We are also so blessed.  We are so loved.  We are overjoyed - as if it is possible to have too much joy in one's life.  As many times as I think about how our life would have been easier without the twins I also think about how our life is fuller with them.  Our life is full of more happiness, more love and more laughter because of them. I can imagine life without them but I don't want to.  I mean just LOOK at them!

I will say that I count my blessings daily.  I am so incredibly lucky that all of my children are healthy.  I am so blessed that I am in a happy marriage.  I have everything that I need and some things that I don't need but am lucky enough to enjoy anyway.  So, when the days come when I feel like I'm becoming sucked in by the insanity I remind myself of these things.  My problems will pass - each day will end with the possibility of tomorrow being better...not perfect because I don't expect perfection - in fact I'm getting better at imperfection...not getting better at being imperfect but getting better at enjoying it.

I know there is a total of about 3 people who actually read my blog, but I thought I'd throw this out there anyway. These are pictures taken by my friend, Shannon. You can look at some of her other work at www.sofabean.com/blog and if you are in the area you can have her come take beautiful pictures of your kiddos (or just about anything else)!

You can see more of the pics she took of my kids on my facebook page - here.

Two and a half weeks ago I got up early in the morning and headed down to Forbes Regional Hospital to have a scheduled c-section and meet my twin boys. Everything went as planned and Dean Arthur and David Jerome were born 1 minute apart at 10:30 and 10:31 am. Dean was the first one out and weighed a whooping 8lbs even. David was the second one (which makes him my baby baby) and weighed only 5lbs 15oz. We knew there was going to be a size difference all along - we also knew there was nothing to really be worried about with it.

After getting all "cleaned-up" in the OR, we headed down to the room. I don't remember a lot about the time immediately after they were born. I know my parents and Jerry's mom were all there and found their way down to the room shortly after we got there. I wasn't feeling all that great the first night. Jerry stayed with me, but I had to stay in bed the whole time. I was sore and couldn't feel a whole lot below my waist for a while. The next few days would be much better.

I really really enjoyed my hospital stay. I enjoyed having someone else feed me. I enjoyed having someone else watch the boys while I slept for a few hours. Most of all, though, I enjoyed getting to know my two new sons without anyone else around. I enjoyed being with them and bonding with them while my other children were having the time of their lives with their grandparents. :)

Since coming home things have gotten interesting. My hormones are all out of whack...although they seem to be getting better. My c-section incision isn't healing as fast/easily as I would like it to. I don't sleep much and I am constantly telling my 3 and 2 year-old to stay away from their brothers. Now that Jerry has gone back to work, I'm on my own during the days...and it's a little scary sometimes.

I have to hand it to my husband, though. He really really stepped up when he was off and has continued to do an awesome job helping out with the kids - especially with Nate and Danika at bedtime. I'm soo proud of him and have no doubts that we are going to be just fine.

It's funny but I already have that feeling like I don't remember what life was like before the twins got here. I already feel like they have always been part of our family. I know that it's because they are both such a perfect fit and I am so madly in love with both of them. They really have stolen my heart.

These babies will be my last babies - yes, we are sure and it is final and permanent. I won't be having any more children. It makes me kind of sad - but it also helps me to appreciate this time with my newborns even more. I don't mind the 1 am feedings as much...I don't mind changing 20 diapers a day...I don't mind the little things because once they stop it's over. When I give my 0-3 month clothes away this time I won't be needing them back...I'm okay with it. I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life...but I'm still kind of sad that I won't be making anymore new life. My job now is to make the lives I've already created happy and full of love.

I can't believe it's been a month since I posted a blog post...then again I'm sure that it isn't going to become a more frequent occurrence once the twins make their appearance. I had a doctor appointment yesterday - and a non-stress test. Both were fine, but to tell you the truth I'm miserable. I'm trying very hard to not be...but I am just so sore and achy and not sleeping.

I could probably make a huge checklist of all the ways that this whole pregnant with twins thing stinks...but I'm trying to stay positive and focus on all the wonderful things that are going on. That being said...here's a little checklist of some fuzzy positive things.

1) Jerry use to always get frustrated when I wanted him to put his hand on my belly and feel a baby move and I can't blame him. It seemed like every time he would the baby would stop moving. With the twins, though, he's been able to feel them moving when we are sitting on the love seat together every night. He smiles while putting his hand on my belly and I know he "gets it" now. He has felt little movements, big ones and those creepy, alien ones, too!

2) I know I am having a c-section with these little ones. If I don't go into labor on my own before I'm 38 weeks, then they will perform a scheduled c-section. It's nice to have a goal. I remember with my other pregnancies being so excited to reach my due date...and then realizing that the due date really doesn't mean the baby will be here by then. I do know, however, that the babies will be here (hopefully by September 5th) and that makes all the crap kind of worth it.

3) I also know that this will be the last time I'm pregnant. I can't imagine having 4 kids (but I will) and we have decided not to push our luck any more than we already have! I mean, twins (or more) are a lot more common after you have already had them...so we are done. That being said, I'm trying to enjoy this last month of being pregnant - spending some quiet time alone with my babies in my belly and just taking extra note of what it is like to be alone...but not alone. :)

4) Not everyone gets to have twins. A lot of people romanticize about having them - a lot of people secretly hope for them. I can honestly say the thought never crossed my mind. I wasn't one of those people. I NEVER thought it would happen to us. I NEVER dreamed about it or really really wanted it. It's not that I don't want to have twins...it's just that I know it's going to be a lot of hard work. It's going to be a lot of long nights. It's not something that I ever really thought possible, so I didn't wish for it. It's not something you can really control. Nate and Danika are close in age (and they won't be that much older than the twins!) and they play together - and fight - and I know they don't really know what to do when the other one isn't around. I know the twins will be the same way...I'm excited that they will all have each other to lean on...annoy...and support through all the things that they are going to go through.

5) I'm going to meet my babies soon. It's an amazing thing when you have one baby growing in your belly and then you finally get to meet him/her. I get to meet 2 new babies...and they are mine! I'll get to fuss over how they are different and learn each of their little personalities. I get twice the snuggles and twice the cuddles. :)

All in all, I know how lucky and blessed I am. I know that this is the hardest part I've faced up to this point. I also know that this isn't going to last forever and that I'm going to fall head over heels in love when these babies get here...then all of the aches and pains will be just a memory.