Perfecting Imperfection

Okay . . . Something very odd happened the other day.  ALL 4 of my kids hung out with me for a good hour or so for no real reason - except there was a reason . . . but it was an unspoken reason. They knew I needed it.



I've never really been shy about talking about my depression. It's part of me and I am NOT ashamed of it - I have a lot going on and I think people often think that is what's "wrong". BUT my busy life isn't what makes me depressed. If you don't know what causes depression . . . you should go and look it up. It's not simple and everyone who suffers from it does so differently. It's also not a sign of weakness and it is serious. At my worst, I cried non-stop for 3 days straight and didn't get out of my pajamas or do more than the absolute BARE MINIMUM to keep myself and my family afloat before ending up in a doctor's office. I remember telling myself over and over that I wasn't going to be that chick who broke down and started crying as soon as the doctor walked in. He walked in . . . asked me how I was doing . . . I took a deep breath, said, "Well . . . " with a crack in my voice and lost it. That was almost 8 years ago. 

I've been REALLY lucky the last year or so, though. I have only really had 2 minor low points. Both of them were manageable with a little patience on the part of those that I love the most - and I was back to "myself" in no time. I've found some awesome products that are helping me to have more natural energy and raise my cortisol levels . . . it's been a blessing!

However, this time I've noticed my mood has lingered a bit longer than I'd like and I do believe it is in part due to stress. May has ALWAYS been a stressful month for me as a teacher. There are a lot of last minute things to do. Lessons to wrap up and goodbyes to plan. The thing is - the end of the school year comes no matter how ready or not I am. And it's upon us.

So - back to the picture and my kids all hanging out with me at the SAME TIME! Did you know that cuddling can help with stress, depression and anxiety?  It's true and as these 4 mind readers were taking turns bowling on the Wii . . . each one of them came over and gave me a hug or snuggled up next to me while waiting for their turn. I'm pretty sure they knew I was off but also knew that I was okay. I do the same thing when I can sense they are in need of a boost in their oxytocin. 

So while, yes, we do medicate for things that we need to medicate for (and that includes depression) we also believe in healing through hugs in this family. Even if it doesn't cure everything . . . it doesn't hurt, either! 

This past weekend, we celebrated the 50th wedding anniversary of 2 AMAZING people. My in-laws, Marge and Jerry Sr.


I try to always find the positive in people despite the things they do to annoy me. With these 2, though, it isn't hard to focus on the things that make them amazing. If I could write a list of what the perfect in-laws would be like . . . there isn't much that would be different from the ones I have.

I'd be lying if I said that my father-in-law and I always see eye-to-eye on everything. I've learned that he doesn't believe in global warming (and to not talk to him about it) and that he is the definition of a stereotypical Catholic Conservative. I don't say that like it's a BAD thing - it's just the truth and once you accept that side of him and know that is where he will always be coming from, it is pretty easy to overlook the opinions that don't line up with yours (at least it is for me, anyway).

His strength, and what I am most grateful for, is how much he truly loves and cares about his family. I'm sure we all drive him crazy now and then (just ask him about covering his TV buttons with cardboard so the twins wouldn't turn the channel or turn it off just to hear him yell) but despite the fact that we aren't perfect, he still gives and ALWAYS tells the kids he is so happy they came to see him every time they walk in the door. I don't know if he realizes how much that makes me smile every time he says it.   

My in-laws with their 3 children (photo courtesy of Uncle Bob)

My mother-in-law is the closest thing to a perfect person that I have ever met. I know some really amazing people, but she is one of THE MOST amazing. She never hesitates to help if we need her. She is always doing thoughtful things and shows up for EVERYTHING! She is a retired nurse and knows exactly how to make things better - but NEVER forces her thoughts or opinions on you. She almost always has a cup of coffee or something to eat when you pop in and NEVER forgets dessert when she makes dinner (which is usually once a week!). She is EXACTLY how I want to be when I become a mother-in-law. She gave each of my babies their first bath, babysat when I went back to work after having the twins, she always saves me a container of her green bean and kielbasa soup (which is my FAVORITE) and remembers every birthday, holiday and anniversary.

She is the first person that I would go to with a problem after my own parents (who are equally as wonderful!) and I know that she would do anything for any of us.

I don't know how I got so lucky . . . but I do thank God EVERY DAY for giving me these amazing people in my life and in my children's' lives. (Oh - and for the amazing son they raised . . . who just happens to be the love of my life). 

My in-laws with 8 of their 10 grandchildren (photo courtesy of Uncle Bob)

Yes - it's been 6 years since my last blog post here - I kind of can't believe that the blog is still around and I can add to it!  Just look how I've changed!!!

2012                                                                                2018

A LOT of other things have changed since my last blog post on Perfecting Imperfection but there is NO way to catch you all up. However, I missed having this little online journal (because that's more of what THIS blog was) so I'm back to ramble on about my everyday life . . . the bigger stuff . . . and all that crap in between that you may or may not be interested in. 

I won't be offended if you aren't - not to be rude (even though it will sound a little rude) but I'm not REALLY blogging for you. I'd love to chat with you if something I say strikes you as a conversation starter . . . I'd love feedback or thoughts . . . just know that there isn't a rhyme or reason to any of the stuff I will share but I needed an outlet for my internal monologue. This is it - Welcome!

Dadone, me, Nate and Dad @ Nate's Baptism

Friday night my grandfather passed away.  It was 9 o'clock . . . about an hour after I left the hospital.  My Mom and Dad and Aunt Anita were with him when he went and they said it was very peaceful.  I'm grateful that they were there and that he didn't struggle or suffer.  I also very grateful that I was able to spend some time with him Thursday night - even though he couldn't talk, we held hands (he squeezed my hand tight) he looked at me and I knew that he knew I was there and that he loved me and he knew I loved him, too.

My grandfather and I had a good relationship.  It wasn't always great and I will admit that the last few months I didn't make the effort I should have to spend time with him.  Of course, I regret that now.  However, my grandfather knew that having 4 kids kept me very busy and I did ask about him, talk to him on the phone a few times and think about him often.

When my children are being stubborn, I blame it on my grandfather.  Funny, I know, but he was one of the most stubborn individuals I've ever met.  When he made a decision it was set in stone and no one would ever be able to talk him out of it.  I don't ever remember a story where someone said that my grandfather admitted or knew he was wrong...I'm pretty sure in his eyes he was always right and the rest of us, who sometimes thought otherwise, just didn't know what we were talking about.  There was no real compromising with my grandfather.  It was his way or the highway and a lot of times people I love a great deal were hurt because of this, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally.

I know it hurt me when he decided not to attend my wedding but I also knew that's the way he was and there was no talking him into coming once he had made that decision.  All that was left for me (and my family) to do was to accept it.  He never meant to hurt me personally with his decision, though, and I got over it (or at the very least didn't let it ruin one of the best days of my life).  He did send me some silk sheets and a bottle of champagne to celebrate, though...completely different than the wedding gift he game my dad.  He obviously wanted his granddaughter to have great-grandchildren  for him a lot sooner than he had wanted his son to have his grandchildren.  :)  (okay, I won't leave you guessing . . . he gave my dad a GROSS of condoms - not a pack . . . an entire gross - that's 144 total - for his wedding present.)

Dadone, me, Danika and Dad @ Danika's baptism

My grandfather had a very big heart - sometimes bigger than it should be - when it came to his friends and he gave to so many people.  He loved my kids and always smiled when they were around.  He loved to joke around with them and share stories of when he was younger.  He always had a story to tell.  He knew so much about cooking and food that I knew exactly who to ask about the differences in this spice or that and what I could substitute if I wanted something different than what a recipe called for.  Dinners with him at the table were almost like cooking lessons.  He loved good food and everything had a special name with him.  For example, sauerkraut was German Spaghetti and my favorite macaroni salad that he made (it had dill in it) was called Russian Macaroni Salad.

When I was younger, I thought my grandfather was invincible.  He was so strong, big and full of life.  When I saw him Friday, I couldn't help but become overwhelmed thinking about what he looked like lying in his hospital bed.  The difference years make . . . it's hard to accept.

The next few days are going to really stink...I hate funerals (okay, I know I'd be very hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't hate them) and funerals where I will see so many people I love upset are even worse.  I am definitely in that stage where I know what happened and what is coming but it hasn't REALLY sunk in yet.  I've been through this enough times, though, to know that at some point in the next 3 days it will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will have my breakdown.  Then . . . it will happen a few weeks later (probably at Easter because my grandfather always shared a special Easter Saturday brunch with us) and then it will happen again . . . as much as I hated the book The Year of Magical Thinking, I will say that the first year without someone is it's own special journey.


I would greatly appreciate prayers for my family (especially my father, aunt and uncle) as we get ready to bury our patriarch.  It is going to be very emotional and probably even a little bit stressful as we go down memory lane with each other and ultimately say goodbye to a man who is responsible (in one way or another) for giving us each other.

Dadone,

Thank you for giving me my wonderful family.  Thank you for always having a smile for me and my children and for loving us the best way you knew how.  We love you and will miss you dearly.

Love, your eldest grandchild,
Janene